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Thread: and you thought you had a bad day.....

  1. #1
    rattler's Avatar
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    i had tears in my eyes i was laughing so hard. i believe its just a story but i can see someone doing it.............

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock,

    Tommy



    personally i would have zapped the cat.......... >;-D
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
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  2. #2
    Illinois droseraguy's Avatar
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    Ummm. I uh. Hmmm. Sorry dude, but thanks for testing this thing out for us. I now feel assured my wife will be safe providing she can find it in that suitcase she calls a purse. Toni probably thought that was really sweet making sure it worked and all for her safety. By the way sometimes the testicles are smarter than we are, they'll be back eventually.
    Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and The American G. I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
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    Okay I have this pepper spray can aka mace. Would you just hold still and look at the nozzle for a second while I squeeze the trigger.

    You know the Darwin awards come from items like this. I enjoyed the story , thanks.

    Sincerely,
    Brendhan
    Sincerely,
    Brendhan



    Apprently posting fully clothed non sexual photos of myself pisses off the mods. Well I do my part.

  4. #4
    endparenthesis's Avatar
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    It sounds like something that might be worth experiencing just once, well, as long as the testicles eventually come back and all.

    I imagine I'd feel totally differently about it 10 seconds beforehand and 10 minutes after. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/new/smile.gif[/img]

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    Funny thing is we as police have to be Tasered before we can carry them and have to be peppered before we can carry. Fortunatly we dont have to be shot to carry our pistol. Although it sounds more like a stun gun then a Taser, a Taser actually propels small prongs into the target.
    You don't need an iron chest if you have a sharp brain and a silk tongue.


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  6. #6
    Moderator Schmoderator Fluorescent fluorite, England PlantAKiss's Avatar
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    Good story. lol I thought about trying out my dog's Invisible Fence just so I'd know how bad it would shock him. I asked the installer how bad it hurts. One guy said "Oh its not that bad...about like static electricity." (Hmmmm...I kinda doubt that.) Second guy was more honest and said..."Yeah, it hurts." After I saw Ollie's reaction to his first shock...I haven't had any desire to try it. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/new/smile_h_32.gif[/img] And I felt horrible he had to go through that.

    I always thought tasers were strange...shooting out those little "arrows". I guess you have to have those for people to violent to approach.
    "Fox terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs." - Jerome K. Jerome

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