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Thread: Dear Alcohol,

  1. #1
    rattler's Avatar
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    Dear Alcohol,

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
    important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries?) I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
    Similarly, it should never take more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
    My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the envoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

    In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
    review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your Biggest Fan

    P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
    1. Specificity
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
    1. Thanks. but I don't want to have sex.
    2. Nope, no more beer for me.
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] ]P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
    1. Specificity
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    I guess President Bush is always drunk when addressing the nation, eh?

    Gotta add nuclear to that list.
    17 Nash Rd.
    North Salem, NY 10560

    YOU! Outta my gene pool!

  3. #3
    rattler's Avatar
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    LMAO!
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  4. #4
    Moderator Schmoderator Fluorescent fluorite, England PlantAKiss's Avatar
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    LOL

    Maybe if Bush had a stiff shot or two before he spoke, he'd actually be able to pronounce things correctly.
    "Fox terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs." - Jerome K. Jerome

  5. #5
    herenorthere's Avatar
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    What's wrong with nuke-you-ler? Liberals always go on and on about how Bush claimed Iraq had nuclear weapons when he knew they didn't. But the tapes don't lie. He said Iraq had nuke-you-ler weapons. For all any of us know, they did. I certainly wouln't know a nuke-you-ler weapon if I tripped over one.

    I'm not clear on the concept but, as I understand it from Condi Rice, they shoot mushrooms out of clouds when they go off. We certainly didn't want the smoking gun to be shooting mushrooms out of the clouds. No wait, we didn't want the smoking cloud to be a mushroom gun. No that's not right either. We didn't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud. That's it. Who said anything about Iraq having nuclear weapons?
    Bruce in CT

    Madness is something rare in individuals but in groups, parties, peoples, ages it is the rule. Friedrich Nietzsche

  6. #6
    nrbelex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] (herenorthere @ Aug. 17 2006,1:49)]What's wrong with nuke-you-ler? Liberals always go on and on about how Bush claimed Iraq had nuclear weapons when he knew they didn't. But the tapes don't lie. He said Iraq had nuke-you-ler weapons. For all any of us know, they did. I certainly wouln't know a nuke-you-ler weapon if I tripped over one.

    I'm not clear on the concept but, as I understand it from Condi Rice, they shoot mushrooms out of clouds when they go off. We certainly didn't want the smoking gun to be shooting mushrooms out of the clouds. No wait, we didn't want the smoking cloud to be a mushroom gun. No that's not right either. We didn't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud. That's it. Who said anything about Iraq having nuclear weapons?
    I think Bruce is on to something... something about smoking mushrooms... no wait...

    ~ Brett

  7. #7
    Stay chooned in for more! Clint's Avatar
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    didn't he do coke back in the 80's?

  8. #8
    apple rings.. what more can i say? FlytrapGurl's Avatar
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    wow herenorthere.. that was completely off the wall.. lol that was weird, it was like.. funny post..funny post..another funny post..OMFG RANDOM POLITICAL DEBATE POST ooh snap what now..funny post..

    ...lol.
    Liquid Plummer
    Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

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