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Is there something wrong with me?

FarmerDave

FarmerDave

Lately I've been thinking that I might be (slightly) depressed.
Not only that but I think that I had an over eating disorder, because I've packed on a couple of pounds. Then whenever I saw myself in the mirror, I realized that I am out of shape and disgusting. So I've stopped eating almost everything, but every now and then I'll have a full meal but only if it is very low in calories. So now I think that I have yet another eating disorder, but this time it's the other way around.

Not until now has the fact that I like to seclude myself from large crowds of people bothered me, and I now fear that I'll live forever without any true friends worth having. this is probably yet another sign of depression.

Not only that but I think that I've found the person that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with and I don't think that they'll ever like me. I don't know what's wrong with me, before I thought that they liked me, then I wasn't sur, then again I thought that they liked me, but now I don't think that they're interested at all. the 'person' has a great sense of fasion and everything, and then there's me, a retarded kid with no sense of fasion or a life. And I feel like there's never going to be something there for me.
I have many friends that I kind of hand around and stuff because that's what it's like at Rickards but I still feel left out.
Even though i have some friends who have/had cut themselves, I won't even consider it.

What's wrong with me?
I'm thinking about asking my parents to take me to a 'shrink', should I or not?
 
I would suggest to go to a doctor and see what they think. I'm not medically trained, and won't pretend I am. However, you shouldn't suffer needlessly, and if a doctor can do something to help, it can improve your life.
Brian
 
This is serious, Dave, and I would suggest you consult your general practitioner and a psychologist about this, immediately. It sounds to me like you could have some sort of delusional disorder regarding your weight - sometimes a person's body-image becomes detached from reality, and they can begin to have hallucenations of looking, feeling or sounding fatter (or thinner, or uglier, etc.) than they actually are. I once read a news story about a kid in Britain who had a neurotic delusion that he had severe body odor - if I recall correctly, he died from aluminum toxicity after using over 20 cans of spray deodorant in a single day.
It also worries me that you isolate yourself. I myself am claustrophobic, and I have a very difficult time maintaining my focus when in a crowd or socializing with a large group of people. If you can, you should make an effort to spend time with your peers and acquaintances, and try to learn some better socialization skills. It won't necessarily cure you, but the more experience you have, the better equipped you'll be to cope with your situation.
Please don't begin cutting yourself. It's a very dangerous habit and once you begin physically hurting yourself to deal with your mental and emotion pain, it will become increasingly hard to stop. Cutting is a powerful distraction from other types of mental illness, but it will only help in the beginning.
You need to tell your parents about how you feel, and you need to get into a doctor as soon as possible. I don't want to depress you any further, but this will not be an easy experience. Your parents may react in a way which seems inappropriate to you; they may even say or do things that seem unsupportive or cruel, and you should be prepared for this. Remember that your perceptions may be clouded by your mental state, and that your parents' emotional investment in your wellbeing may lead them to act rashly, in ways that could seem distant or unkind to you. This is why it's important to talk with doctors ASAP, in order to have a neutral party acting in the best interests of both you and your parents. Doctors are much more practiced at dealing with mental illness than your average parent.
Try your best not to jump to any conclusions in this situation. You could be majorly depressed, with the depression manifesting as negative self-image, or you could have an eating disorder or social disorder, the stress of which is causing circumstantial depression. Your parents should know about this, but keep in mind that like you, they're caught up in the emotions of this situation, and they may not be able to be wholly objective at first. My advice to you is fourfold: get yourself into a doctor; get outside and spend some time with your friends; focus on eating nutritional, well-balanced meals (malnutrition is a shockingly common cause of depression;) and finally, learn to use your mind in place of your heart when you're depressed.
This last tip is the hardest of all, but it's absolutely necessary to dealing with an emotional disorder. Your emotions will convince you of negative ideas and make it hard to think about things objectively. The depression will, and may always, have sway over your emotions, but it's when your depression influences your thoughts and actions that you're really in trouble.
You need to focus on the fact that people care about you and want you to be OK. Try to remember the feelings that you had before you were depressed (as hard as that can sometimes be) and know that at one time or another, you had things to live for - goals, ideas, and loved ones. When you're depressed, your world can sometimes close in on itself, and all you see is the negativity inside yourself. But there are still things outside your depression, and as long as you can pull yourself to your feet and go find those things, you can find things to keep going for.
~Joe
 
Yeah, go the the Dr. dude. Sounds like you have social anxiety.

I've dieted like your doing now, and for me it wasn't an eating issue. Gaining two pounds doesn't mean that much, atleast not to me. The best way to lose weight is to eat as many raw vegetables as you want and excersize within reason. Take your vitamins and protein shakes, too!

Are you gay? I ask because you said "person" instead of girl. You also mentioned a "great sense of fashion" soo... yeah. You don't have to answer, but you can pm me if you want.

"Not only that but I think that I've found the person that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with and I don't think that they'll ever like me. I don't know what's wrong with me, before I thought that they liked me, then I wasn't sur, then again I thought that they liked me, but now I don't think that they're interested at all. the 'person' has a great sense of fasion and everything, and then there's me, a retarded kid with no sense of fasion or a life. And I feel like there's never going to be something there for me."

Totally normal teenage feelings, dude.

If you think you need therapy, go for it. Better safe than sorry.
 
I used to cut... and now that I do I have these little scars on my wrist I was so paranoid about for a year as friendly reminders as how stupid I was to even think about it in the first place.

DON'T cut... Instead of cutting you're self treat you're self to something nice like a new nepenthes or another Sundew...
 
FarmerDave, I can relate to some of the things you are going through and feeling. I myself experienced some of these feelings when I was going through high schoool.

The only thing I can tell you from my experince is to just get through the phase, situation, etc. as safe as possible. Do what you feel is necessary for you to overcome these challenges and obsticles; whether it be asking your parents, asking a relative, a doctor, etc. for help. Do not "cut" yourself or take drugs as a possible solution to these problems. Hurting yourself will not solve anything!

I can tell you this: Once I started college, I realized that it did not matter what other people thought of me when I was in high school. What really did matter is that I did what I enjoyed and I tried my best at it, and I did not do it to impress anyone, but myslef.

So, don't get too caught up in the situation, it happens to a lot of people. You are not alone. The thing that most don't realize, though is that it will pass, if you allow it to pass. So get some help, do things YOU enjoy doing, and do not pay attention to what others think or may think of you.
 
Unfortunately, a lot of what you're describing is adolescence, as JLAP said. At least how many people experience(d) it. Even though it might be completely normal, I agree with those who recommend seeing a professional, starting with your doctor. If it's something beyond normal, help is available. Good luck.
 
Thanks! I've told my parents that I need to see someone, but they think that I can live without it =(
 
Feeling detached, directionless, and out of the loop is normal teenage stuff... Starving yourself and fear of crowds is not. What Dave is describing goes a ways beyond simple teen angst, and this isn't something that should just be ignored and wished away. Yes, I agree that it might resolve itself after a while, but the possible dangers are too dire to just wait them out and hope for the best.
~Joe
 
  • #10
Keep your chin up - you're not alone. Your situation reminds me of when I was keen about a girl back in high school. I was confused about the situation between us and what I should do about it. Turns out that no matter how harshly (and boy was it!) I found out I wasn't needed/wanted it was better than being stuck in a fog of confusion- all I needed was a clear answer. The next morning at 5am I went jogging (which I had never done) and didn't go to school because I felt so well.
Not that it's been all hunky-dory since (I'm a manic depressive), but gaining confidence in myself was what ultimately saved, and saves me from me. Also, as much as it may sound extreme, carnivorous plants keep me fuelled to go forth.

Breathe.
 
  • #11
I was majorly depressed for about 15 years. I tried therapy, medication, etc. with little to no effect.

It took 15 years to figure out this stupid simple truth. Exercise. Just exercise.

When I was in the middle of it I heard people suggest exercise and I thought, "Yeah, like that'll help." But it's been one of the most beneficial things I've come across.

The problem with depression is that it usually can't be reasoned away. Remember that line in the Matrix? "The image translators work FOR the construct program." Totally unrelated, but a good metaphor. Depression is a sickness of the mind. It has a subtle effect on your perceptions and your ability to make rational conclusions. Unless you have an epiphany or a breakthrough of some sort, the mind you're using to eliminate the depression is working FOR the depression. It can't be trusted.

Because it's so pervasive and insideous it can take a long time to really see all this stuff going on inside you. In fact, I bet you find that when you're doing ok you have trouble remembering what it's like to be depressed, and when you're depressed you have trouble remembering what it's like to be ok. It can literally be seen as a shift in your whole being... somehow you can't even access that part of yourself even just to remember it. Or maybe that's just me.

So why does exercise help? Because you have to attack the imbalance in ways it can't manipulate. Appeals to reason can be filtered and twisted around. Endorphins can't. We grow up thinking that a sedantary life is normal because that's all we see around us. We also see a bunch of fat, miserable people around us. The body is supposed to move every day... not doing it is unnatural and has dire consequences.

When you're depressed it seems like mere chemistry couldn't possibly have anything to do with what's wrong. You hate yourself. The world disgusts you. Your life is meaningless. These are all pretty intellectual and existential problems... it seems crazy that an imbalance of neurotransmitters could create all that. But the imbalance can screw with your perceptions quite effectively. The belief that the external world is the problem is all part of the lie.

Medication... well... it seems to work for some people, but it's a terribly flawed approach. The body can produce any chemicals you require in perfect dosages and can deliver them precisely where they're needed. Medicine just floods your entire system like a carpet bomb. Side effects are so common because another part of your body may be using the same chemicals being delivered in an entirely different way... so you fix one system and knock another system all out of whack. It just seems like a sloppy way to do things.

So how do you get the body to start producing chemicals properly again? By getting healthy... fresh air, better food, exercise.

Of course there are more serious diseases where medication is necessary, but depression often isn't one of them. For losing weight they say to just get yourself healthy, and the weight will take care of itself. It's the same with depression. When you manage to reach optimal states, just try to leave some breadcrumbs so you can remember how you got there, and eventually you get better at it.

There's another huge benefit with exercise that I haven't mentioned. There seems to be a direct correlation between unhappiness and self-centeredness. I don't mean selfishness or vanity... I mean when you're always focusing on the self. Exercise, or any type of physical labor, pulls you out of that state. For a little while you aren't you anymore. You're a goal. You're fluid motion. You're too tired to think... you just become aching muscles and sweat. It's hard to explain... easier to just experience it. Just remember that sometimes, especially when depressed, the self can become a cage that you need to release yourself from.

This ended up being a lot longer than I thought it'd be. I hope there's something of value in it.

Every case is different so I can't really say what will work best for you, but it's a good bet this will have an effect.
 
  • #12
Good stuff, ep! Very well put and explained.

Hey, the other thing to keep in mind is that all the nerdy, isolated kids in High School grow up to be the rich, popular guys later. The "jocks" and many of the "popular" kids end up total losers. In other words, what you see today is NOT how things end up! The people who end up doing best are the ones who work hard and treat other people well.

Capslock
 
  • #13
Ah, yes, EP mentioned one of the biggest points that I missed. Excercise (like nutrition) has a miraculous effect on depression. Good job bud. For me, just being outside makes me dramatically less depressed, even when I can't exercise.
~Joe
 
  • #14
But, all of the people at my school are the smartest in North Florida.

But on a positive note, thanks guys (again) I'm going to think long and hard on what you've said, tommorow
 
  • #15
Not to mention it's getting darker. Seasonal depression is real.
 
  • #16
Another thing, that nep ak said was that cps do help, at least in my case, but it's too cold outside.

That's one of the reasons why I got into them.
 
  • #17
Smart doesn't mean much as a kid. Everybody thought I'd be some whiz kid when I was in grade school, and honestly I've kind of fizzled out. And just because these kids are smart, it doesn't mean they know what they're doing when it comes to real life, or interacting with each other, or taking care of themselves. You'd be surprised at how shallow the lives of some supposedly happy, well-adjusted people can be. I've found that often, the biggest difference between myself and someone who isn't depressed is that I'm simply more aware of how many discouraging things happen to me on a regular basis.
Anyways, thinking about things in terms of status is only going to make you susceptible to more negative thoughts, like EP and others have said. Find people you like, find things about yourself that you like - what matters now are your feelings and happiness. Don't give power to the things that make you unhappy.
~Joe
 
  • #18
I guess you're right, i'm living proof, because I wasn't smart enough to evade it
 
  • #19
Evade what? The whole "social ladder" thing? Dude it's normal lol.

Wait aren't you homeschooled?
 
  • #20
Hey I'll be friend worth having if you like. No seriously, I like friends. I'll send you plants if that makes your day brigher.

I heard a theory recently that there is no way for us to help ourselves heal. I have needs, you have needs, but if we focus on that we'll never grow. If all the arrows are pointing to you, you can't improve, you can't heal. "I need" points to *me*. Therapy points to *me*. Vacation points to *me*. So while those things make us feel good, they don't really help.

The only way to overcome that is to give, and love, and do. Reverse the arrows and you'll heal and grow. Help people, build friendships without conditions, make goals and work at them (like exercise). All these things are directed away from yourself but in the end they help you the most.

all the best,
Peter
 
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