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Thread: husband and wife talk...........

  1. #9
    rattler's Avatar
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    A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

    The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

    The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

    "Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  2. #10
    rattler's Avatar
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    Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the crap table when a very attractive blonde from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars

    ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless"

    With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come On, baby.... Alabama Blondie needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... And squealed..

    "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

    She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

    The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

    Moral ---

    Not all Southerners are stupid.

    Not all blondes are dumb.

    But, all men..... Are men.
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  3. #11
    rattler's Avatar
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    One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

    The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The man thanked him and again walked away.

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.”
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  4. #12
    rattler's Avatar
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    A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and said to the old farmer, "I'm here to inspect your farm."

    The old farmer said, "You'd better not go out in that field."

    The Ag representative said in a "demanding tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government behind me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

    So the old farmer went about his chores. In a few minutes, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for his life, h eaded for the fence. Close behind, and gaining with every step, was the farmer's prize bull, nostrils flaring, madder than a full nest of hornets.

    The old farmer cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled out, "Show Him Your Card! Show Him Your Card!"
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  5. #13
    It's been one of dem days BigCarnivourKid's Avatar
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    Smile

    Got this in my e-mail yesterday.



    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.


    He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

    Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

    A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

    Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

    A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

    Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

    A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

    Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

    A: "Yes sir, we do!"

    Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

    A: "Yes sir, I do."

    Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

    A: "Yes sir."

    Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

    A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

    The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.


    The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
    ---Steve Allinger---

    How come chicken fingers are bigger than buffalo wings?

    My Grow List

  6. #14
    VFT and Drosera lover vft guy in SJ's Avatar
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    Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

    8:00am: Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30am: A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40am: walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!
    1:00pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    7:00pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
    11:00pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

    Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
    dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
    inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although
    I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
    must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing
    that keeps me going is my dream of escape...

    In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
    feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
    clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
    condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
    audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
    tonight.

    I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
    However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
    my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
    this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost
    successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by
    weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again
    tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the
    other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives
    special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more
    than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to
    be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards
    regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors
    have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he
    is safe....... for now...
    There are only 2 infinite things... the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not too sure about the universe.

  7. #15
    Stay chooned in for more! Clint's Avatar
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    Oh man there's my ab workout for today!

  8. #16
    Moderator Schmoderator Fluorescent fluorite, England PlantAKiss's Avatar
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    JLAP...I didn't know you had abs.
    "Fox terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs." - Jerome K. Jerome

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