husband and wife talk...........
a husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBA ND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
War. War never changes.
Not bad, didn't know where that one was going until too late.
Great Googly Moogly!
Beware of the yellow snow!
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
I remember reading little stories like this before, I wish I remembered them.
Stay chooned in for more!
OMG! I remember when I was like in first or second grade and we would tell stupid jokes like this! I remember Blueberry Hill and Johnny Deeper!
Good times, Good times...
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old ******* won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the heck out of here!"
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
"Ten pounds," he replies.
"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."
"We’ll send someone over."
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"
"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."
The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the crap table when a very attractive blonde from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless"
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come On, baby.... Alabama Blondie needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... And squealed..
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... Are men.