User Tag List

Informational! Informational!:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Email Satire

  1. #1
    Tropical Fish Enthusiast jimscott's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Western New York
    Posts
    18,768
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Email Satire

    HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


    1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
    used size 14-16 work boots.


    2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty
    beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.


    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.


    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:


    Hey! Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop
    for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit
    bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I
    don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.


    P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

    ...................................................................................................................................



    Tips for Handling Telemarketers

    Three Little Words That Work !!

    (1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'

    Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

    Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

    These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

    (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

    This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

    This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

    What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

    (3) Junk Mail Help:
    When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

    When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

    Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back.

    It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

    One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
    Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
    If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

    You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.

    The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

    Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profit s, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !

    If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

    THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS
    ...................................................................................................................................

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.



    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



    85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


    Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Abortion clinics now available in every
    High School in United States.

    Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


    Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


    Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

    Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared.




    I Love This Country! It's The Government That Scares Me!

  2. #2

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Saugatuck, MI
    Posts
    79
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Northern Michigan All Car Drag Team *Vice President*
    Personal Best 1/4 mile: 12.76 @ 106.11 mph
    Personal Best 1/8 mile: 8.13 @ 81 mph
    Gone V8 Hunting.....be back in 12 Seconds!!!!!

  3. #3
    Dog! maneatingmoo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Seattle, Washington
    Posts
    705
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Lol, I like the security system idea.
    The following statement is true.
    The above statement is false.
    My growing growlist of growing things

  4. #4
    Tropical Fish Enthusiast jimscott's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Western New York
    Posts
    18,768
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either
    masculine or feminine. >> > >> > 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el
    lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. >> > >> >

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.

  5. #5
    mark.ca's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Chino Hills, CA, USA
    Posts
    572
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I will do that junk mail thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Best regards,
    Marius

    My Website: http://droseragemmae.com/

  6. #6
    Tropical Fish Enthusiast jimscott's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Western New York
    Posts
    18,768
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by mark.ca View Post
    I will do that junk mail thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    My brother in law and a few CP friends are always sending me forwarded spam. Not all of it is family friendly.

  7. #7
    Norhtern Michigan Dragway Mama *Barracuda_45*'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Tustin, Michigan
    Posts
    767
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    ROFLMAO!! The home security one is the best... Thanks for sharring Jim i think we all could use a good laugh now and then...
    Hey buddy wana run, LETS GO!
    Northern Michigan All Car Drag Team *PRESIDENT*
    Red Hot Cherry's "NEW" PB 8.741 GO CHERRY! & "5" 1st place trophy wins 9 sec class.
    www.nmacdt.com

  8. #8
    Tropical Fish Enthusiast jimscott's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Western New York
    Posts
    18,768
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    This is real material from last weekend at Home Depot:

    I had one customer whose total came to $78.04. He handed me a $100 bill. So I asked if he had 4 pennies or a nickel. He said, "I have no cents." I replied, "You have no sense?" We both got a chuckle out of that.

    Later on an elderly couple came to my line and bought some things. I told the guy the total and he asked (playfully),

    "Do I get a senior citizen discount?"
    I sheepishly replied, "Noooooo."
    "I'm retired. Does that help?"
    "Noooooo."
    "I'm ugly, does that count?"
    "Noooooo."
    "Okay, I tried."
    "You were very trying."
    We all got a good laugh.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •