Miracle Drug May Reverse The Curse Of Aging
April 1, 2009
If you haven't heard of Lirpa Loof, you soon will.
Now undergoing final testing by the FDA, "the wonder drug of all wonder drugs," as it is being billed by its Swedish manufacturer, Dopeup, could turn back the hands of time for millions of aging baby boomers.
In a controlled study involving 50,000 herring fishermen and statuesque blondes, Lirpa Loof was shown to remove plaque from arteries, return elasticity to the skin, boost energy, burn fat, increase muscle mass, improve hearing, restore up to 90 percent of night vision, cure erectile dysfunction and grow hair.
According to Dopeup CEO Bridget Nielsen, Lirpa Loof is poised to become the most popular and profitable drug in the history of pharmaceuticals. "What we are about to offer people is nothing short of the 'Benjamin Button' experience in a little pink pill," Nielsen said, referring to the film about a man who ages backward.
Lirpa Loof is a compound extracted from the exotic Lirpa Loof Ekoj plant, found only in a remote region of the Amazon. The meat-eating plant is a much larger and more dangerous cousin of the Venus Fly Trap and has been known to devour a small water buffalo.
Although Lirpa Loof Ekoj does not grow outside of South America, a Fairfield County hedge fund manager purchased one on the black market two years ago and was using it to keep neighborhood dogs from defecating on his lawn.
Swedish scientists have been secretly testing Lirpa Loof on volunteers for the past 10 years, and the results have been described as "astounding," particularly as a reverse-aging drug.
One well-known participant is Marie Douglas-David, the Swedish countess now engaged in a nasty divorce with former United Technologies CEO George David.
Although Douglas-David, who has been taking the drug for more than nine years, claims to be 36 years old, according to the study report she is actually 74 and was just 4-foot-11 when she began her involvement.
Besides such common side effects as dizziness, dry mouth and the occasional loose stool, Lirpa Loof can also produce severe bouts of gullibility.
Persons experiencing this symptom are advised to consult the calendar.