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Thread: Realization of Being Lost

  1. #17
    BuddhistAdam's Avatar
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    Thinking back on it now I suppose my reaction to my sister was one of fear. She's growing up. I haven't seen her in almost a year and we rarely speak. I suppose part of that commo issue is half mine but half hers as well. The only time she has ever bothered to make any for of communication with me was when I questioned her about her boyfriend. But the main issue is home...
    As I was telling a few TFers last night I am literally scared to come home. This place (Iraq) seems more and more like home all the time whereas the place I once called home is a strange land. I'm scared to see all the changes in the people who I was familiar with. I'm so used to carrying my M4 and M9 9mm around and when I go home I lose that. Not gradually but immediately! I know those weapons like the back of my hand (as should every soldier) and have not been without them for more than 2 weeks time (and that scared me!) in a year's time. The issue is my feeling secure in a place that I once felt comfortable...
    All fear violence, all are afraid of death.
    Seeing the similarity to oneself, one should not use violence or have it used.
    The Buddha
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  2. #18
    Jag's Avatar
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    In my case I started dating my now girlfriend when I was 22 and she was 18. I am now 25 and still with her. I feel the age difference is great because I can communicate with her perfectly. Remember that women mature faster than men.

    I also know what it feels to be protective of your little sister because I have one too. So I know what you felt when you heard she had a boyfriend. She was 18 and I was 22 when I first found out and I was furious but what help me was my mom when she made me realize that my little sister was not little anymore and was a woman. Now, with my sister's boyfriend, I consider him like my brother because he is like me in so many ways.

    Now I can't say the same thing will happen to you Adam but at least give them a try. Get to know the person first and then decide if he is right for your sister or not. I think you got a little carried away by your experieces in Iraq. But I feel you do owe your sister an apology and try to gain her trust once again. Explain to her your experiences in Iraq. Also tell her your fears of going back home. I am sure she will understand just as much as we on this forum understand you.

    I know you are fearful of going back home but when you do, try to take every day as an advantage for all the days you have missed out because of the war. I know that the war has changed you in many ways but remember the love you have for your family and friends...

    --Jesse
    Growlist

    Jesse

  3. #19
    BuddhistAdam's Avatar
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    wrote my sister an apology email: Holly I owe you an apology.. let me explain, please.
    yesterday when I wrote that email to you I was so angry. I wasn't angry about William or his age. I was angry because I'm scared, Holly. There is so much I am afraid of. I can't begin to fully explain how it is the way I feel but some of it is because so much has changed back home: Dad is getting older. And so are you. You might be my little sister but your not my skin n blister any more and that kills me. Everything has changed so much in a year's time that I am afraid to come home. Not nervous. AFRAID. People I once knew are now strangers including you. I lost touch with most of my friends back home and now my only friends are here in my unit and Janine with a few exceptions back in RI. I am so lost in my world Holly that Iraq seems more like home to me than the States do. And everytime I realize that it scares me and I get angry and lash out. I'm sure William is not a bad guy... But it scares me to realize that you are a woman now and not my baby skin n blister... I love you so much Holly. I really do. I just didn't know how to react because he came as a shock to me and so did everything else.. I'm just scared with no where and no one to run to...
    All fear violence, all are afraid of death.
    Seeing the similarity to oneself, one should not use violence or have it used.
    The Buddha
    Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref...r1?ref=profile

  4. #20
    rattler's Avatar
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    Adam you really need some one to talk stuff out with over there.....its painfully obvious you are not handling the stress very well.....i though the idea posted on your other thread about finding a chaplain or similar to talk with to be a good idea....yes they arent Buddhists but from what im seeing from your posts you really need someone to vent your frustrations and fears on and a chaplain would seem to me to be a very good outlet....someone that isnt close to you, doesnt matter to you and your not afraid of judging you....unfortunately family and friends often dont work well cause yah hold back cause of the strings you have attached to them.....

    you are in a dangerous place and you need to get your head screwed on tight before becoming a danger to yourself or others......
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  5. #21
    BuddhistAdam's Avatar
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    More easily said than done rattler at least for a few more days. At least deployment will be over with and I'll be heading home. I'm hoping the fear is overridden by the excitement of it. And a Chaplain has an obligation to speak to a soldier's commander if he feels there is something wrong. But I agree I need to speak to him.
    All fear violence, all are afraid of death.
    Seeing the similarity to oneself, one should not use violence or have it used.
    The Buddha
    Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref...r1?ref=profile

  6. #22
    rattler's Avatar
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    i guess i fail to see where the issue is......from the tone of your posts i fail to see where anything is going on that you should be concerned about any one talking to your CO......from what im seeing your have fairly normal issues with the stress involved in war.....i havent seen anything to suggest your looking to defy orders or any of that....you just seem to be having issues dealing with the stress and mental gymnastics associated with war and killing.....i havent seen you say a single thing to suggest there is anything outside the bounds of normal stress that happens with a good portion of our service men and women......

    i fail to see anything outside what should fall as the "normal course of things" over there....you basically just need someone to vent on, in your situation a chaplain is a logical choice....
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  7. #23
    BuddhistAdam's Avatar
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    The reason it's more easily said than done is because I'm on a different FOB located an hour and a half away. This FOB (base) is tiny (1/2 mile all the way around). They have limited everything here and no chaplain so until I return to my FOB I can't speak with a chaplain. It just won't happen. Going through my chain of command isn't too hard considerin' I'm pretty close to my leadership but I don't want to speak to them about it.
    All fear violence, all are afraid of death.
    Seeing the similarity to oneself, one should not use violence or have it used.
    The Buddha
    Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref...r1?ref=profile

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