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Thread: Realization of Being Lost

  1. #1
    BuddhistAdam's Avatar
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    Exclamation Realization of Being Lost

    My sister, who is 18, Is dating a guy who is 4 years older than she is which puts him a year older than me. I was so angry I litterally decided to go to Virginia to do the brotherly threatening with some PTSD added in for some spice. Then my sister wrote me back after I replied with and angry letter which went like this: "Whoa!!! You're right, I DON'T know him. But I do know guys especially older guys. And I NEVER "got on you" about him! I simply asked how old he was! You're my baby sister! And don't you tell me to relax! You don't know what the f*** I got goin' on over here in Iraq! You don't know about the S*** I've had to deal with over here!! And now I found out you're dating some guy who's 4 YEARS older than you while I'm overseas and you're telling me to RELAX?! F*** THAT! You don't know what it's like to wake up hoping you don't die because some Iraqi f***thinks he'll go to heaven for killing an "infidel". I'm not the same guy I use to be, Holly! So if I want to get pi**** because this guy looks older than ME and YOU'RE dating him, I have every f****** right to do so! Because I love you and I can't be there for you! So I'd appreciate it if you took all that s*** into consideration before telling me to BACK THE **** OFF!
    I love you Holly I mean that! There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you and you know that."
    And then she replied and suddenly the anger is extinguished and in its place is an all too familiar emptiness... My sister Holly brought something to my attention: I'm losing my loved ones. Not in the sense that I no longer speak to them but in the sense that they are strangers including her. I don't know if I even want to go to the place I once called home. How can I go to a place where the familiar faces of loved ones are the masks of the people I once knew? I felt like a stranger in my own home when I left for R&R..
    My sister is a young woman, I see my father growing older in years and my cousins as well. I feel the changes in myself as well. Whereas I used to be happy and rambunctious most of the time I now feel old and angry. I am, I fearfully admit, AFRAID to go "home". Home is where someone belongs. I am stranded between a place that is beginning to feel more and more like home all the time while losing my place in the world I was once familiar with.
    "you don't know who I am anymore" Those words hit me like a stone. I am lost. I have lost most of my high school friends and most of my local friends from "home"....
    All fear violence, all are afraid of death.
    Seeing the similarity to oneself, one should not use violence or have it used.
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  2. #2
    wicked good plants! Presto's Avatar
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    Well, you know what? Your sister is an adult now and is going to make her own choices. You may disagree with some of them, but it is her time to start exploring the world and her place in it. (For the record, 22 and 18 qualify for the "half your age plus 7" rule. )

    And this was going to happen, she was going to grow up, REGARDLESS of whether you were there with her. People change. One of the only things you can say will happen, with certainty, is change! Change can be scary, change can be uncomfortable. Being overseas, it's even more difficult, because you aren't witnessing the gradual day-to-day changes of your loved ones.

    Just because things are different, and you yourself are different, doesn't mean that it is no longer your home, either. There will always be that place where you grew up and people love and care for you. You might not physically live there, but it will always be an important part of you.

    It is difficult to accept change. But it's going to happen, and we don't have any say in the matter. Maybe it's best to simply see it as a new chapter in this crazy journey we call life.
    -Emily

  3. #3
    i dont do pots. amphirion's Avatar
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    i would've done the same thing that you would have done adam. while yes, she is an adult, you're still her brother, and all brothers (should) have an obligation to take care of their sisters (why let her make mistakes, and clean up the mess after?). let her make her choice, but let her know full well that you do not approve of what is going on. and a little talk with the "interloper" would be good as well---something like break sister's heart= broken legs to let the guy know there will be consequences if he plans to take advantage of her. but yeah, that sucks...truth is, we all have selfish tendencies, and your sister is showing that--i'll bet she didt even know how deep she cut you. she's just being a young, naive, and ignorant youth who claims adulthood but in reality lacks the knowledge to exercise it.

    i've said it before: love isnt just an emotion, love is a promise to remain committed to another individual despite what they do and who they are, to look out (as much as possible) for their greater good, and joy. adam, you are a great example of what it means to love.
    " You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." -Inigo Montoya
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  4. #4
    Tastes like chicken! Exo's Avatar
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    When people become adults, they should be able to live their own lives and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. By trying to control her life for her you will do nothing but push her away.
    What she is doing isn't really harmful.

    Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to back off and let people figure things out for themselves.
    Some days it just isn't worth chewing thru the restraints.

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  5. #5
    rattler's Avatar
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    your pissed cause your 18 year old sister is dating someone 22? uhhhhhhhhhhh where is the problem? there are 8 years between my wife and i.....hard to tell it and fact most think we are full of crap when we tell them.....4 years is nothing.....im protective of my sisters and all but 4 years given they are both adults means jack.....if he treated her badly then you have a reason to be angry, but being pissed over a 4 year age difference is flat out stupid.......

    all your going to do is piss off your sister and make her not want to talk to you....a 4 year age difference given she is 18 is a bridge not worth burning at all......
    cervid serial killer
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  6. #6
    Hear the Call of Nepenthes carnivoure12's Avatar
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    Hmm... I dont think that 4 years of difference is very much, You can't really judge someone by their age. The 22 year-old might be more mature or well grounded than the 18 year-old, or vice versa. So personally I think this whole this person looks like me, looks this age, and such, are pretty superficial. If he happens to be genuine then what's the problem? If he turns out to be a jerk, then get mad...

    Thats what I think atleast...
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    Hermopolis's Avatar
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    As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with rattler in so far as your sister is concerned. However, the real issue here is not not that Adam is being overly-protective of his sister, rather it is that he fears he is losing touch with the people and place where he grew up. He is afraid of returning home and not finding familiar people and places. The issue he is having with his sister is symptomatic of the culture shock of not being able to return to life as it once was.
    "The grass withers, the flower fades. But the word of our God stands forever." (Isaiah 40:8)

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  8. #8
    rattler's Avatar
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    thats about right.....

    there are 3 years between one of my sisters and her husband, she met him just at about a year older than your sis.....not a problem, they have been together about 5 years, married for two and ill be having a lil niece or nephew from them late this summer.....hell most days he pisses me off alot less than Chris does....

    my baby sister has been with her guy about as long as my wife and i have been together, high school sweet hearts......not married but if everything goes normal ill have a lil niece or nephew from her about 6 weeks after Chris has her kid....i cant wait.....

    both of my sisters guys were informed by me and my brothers in no uncertain terms that if they treated them badly they would not be found......and we were dead serious and they knew it.....havent heard of a single problem nor seen a single thing to suggest Chris and Angie arent treated well....

    however the three of us have never attempted to dictate what kind of guys Angie and Chris date.....they were pretty good bout weeding out the bad ones without any help from us.....age has never been a issue but neither of them have ever dated anyone seriously older than them(for me the point where i get concerned is 10 years difference after high school)....the guys were informed that should things go bad and they hurt the girls us brothers wouldnt waste any time on chatting with the cops, we would just deal with them personally and left it at that...4 years age difference would not raise a red flag at all...
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

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