Realization of Being Lost

[BuddhistAdam]

My sister, who is 18, Is dating a guy who is 4 years older than she is which puts him a year older than me. I was so angry I litterally decided to go to Virginia to do the brotherly threatening with some PTSD added in for some spice. Then my sister wrote me back after I replied with and angry letter which went like this: "Whoa!!! You're right, I DON'T know him. But I do know guys especially older guys. And I NEVER "got on you" about him! I simply asked how old he was! You're my baby sister! And don't you tell me to relax! You don't know what the f*** I got goin' on over here in Iraq! You don't know about the S*** I've had to deal with over here!! And now I found out you're dating some guy who's 4 YEARS older than you while I'm overseas and you're telling me to RELAX?! F*** THAT! You don't know what it's like to wake up hoping you don't die because some Iraqi f***thinks he'll go to heaven for killing an "infidel". I'm not the same guy I use to be, Holly! So if I want to get pi**** because this guy looks older than ME and YOU'RE dating him, I have every f****** right to do so! Because I love you and I can't be there for you! So I'd appreciate it if you took all that s*** into consideration before telling me to BACK THE **** OFF!
I love you Holly I mean that! There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you and you know that."
And then she replied and suddenly the anger is extinguished and in its place is an all too familiar emptiness... My sister Holly brought something to my attention: I'm losing my loved ones. Not in the sense that I no longer speak to them but in the sense that they are strangers including her. I don't know if I even want to go to the place I once called home. How can I go to a place where the familiar faces of loved ones are the masks of the people I once knew? I felt like a stranger in my own home when I left for R&R..
My sister is a young woman, I see my father growing older in years and my cousins as well. I feel the changes in myself as well. Whereas I used to be happy and rambunctious most of the time I now feel old and angry. I am, I fearfully admit, AFRAID to go "home". Home is where someone belongs. I am stranded between a place that is beginning to feel more and more like home all the time while losing my place in the world I was once familiar with.
"you don't know who I am anymore" Those words hit me like a stone. I am lost. I have lost most of my high school friends and most of my local friends from "home"....

 

[Presto]

Well, you know what? Your sister is an adult now and is going to make her own choices. You may disagree with some of them, but it is her time to start exploring the world and her place in it. (For the record, 22 and 18 qualify for the "half your age plus 7" rule. )

And this was going to happen, she was going to grow up, REGARDLESS of whether you were there with her. People change. One of the only things you can say will happen, with certainty, is change! Change can be scary, change can be uncomfortable. Being overseas, it's even more difficult, because you aren't witnessing the gradual day-to-day changes of your loved ones.

Just because things are different, and you yourself are different, doesn't mean that it is no longer your home, either. There will always be that place where you grew up and people love and care for you. You might not physically live there, but it will always be an important part of you.

It is difficult to accept change. But it's going to happen, and we don't have any say in the matter. Maybe it's best to simply see it as a new chapter in this crazy journey we call life.

 

[amphirion]

i would've done the same thing that you would have done adam. while yes, she is an adult, you're still her brother, and all brothers (should) have an obligation to take care of their sisters (why let her make mistakes, and clean up the mess after?). let her make her choice, but let her know full well that you do not approve of what is going on. and a little talk with the "interloper" would be good as well---something like break sister's heart= broken legs to let the guy know there will be consequences if he plans to take advantage of her. but yeah, that sucks...truth is, we all have selfish tendencies, and your sister is showing that--i'll bet she didt even know how deep she cut you. she's just being a young, naive, and ignorant youth who claims adulthood but in reality lacks the knowledge to exercise it.

i've said it before: love isnt just an emotion, love is a promise to remain committed to another individual despite what they do and who they are, to look out (as much as possible) for their greater good, and joy. adam, you are a great example of what it means to love.

 

[Exo]

When people become adults, they should be able to live their own lives and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. By trying to control her life for her you will do nothing but push her away.
What she is doing isn't really harmful.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to back off and let people figure things out for themselves.

 

[rattler]

your pissed cause your 18 year old sister is dating someone 22? uhhhhhhhhhhh where is the problem? there are 8 years between my wife and i.....hard to tell it and fact most think we are full of crap when we tell them.....4 years is nothing.....im protective of my sisters and all but 4 years given they are both adults means jack.....if he treated her badly then you have a reason to be angry, but being pissed over a 4 year age difference is flat out stupid.......

all your going to do is piss off your sister and make her not want to talk to you....a 4 year age difference given she is 18 is a bridge not worth burning at all......

 

[carnivoure12]

Hmm... I dont think that 4 years of difference is very much, You can't really judge someone by their age. The 22 year-old might be more mature or well grounded than the 18 year-old, or vice versa. So personally I think this whole this person looks like me, looks this age, and such, are pretty superficial. If he happens to be genuine then what's the problem? If he turns out to be a jerk, then get mad...

Thats what I think atleast...

 

[Hermopolis]

As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with rattler in so far as your sister is concerned. However, the real issue here is not not that Adam is being overly-protective of his sister, rather it is that he fears he is losing touch with the people and place where he grew up. He is afraid of returning home and not finding familiar people and places. The issue he is having with his sister is symptomatic of the culture shock of not being able to return to life as it once was.

 

[rattler]

thats about right.....

there are 3 years between one of my sisters and her husband, she met him just at about a year older than your sis.....not a problem, they have been together about 5 years, married for two and ill be having a lil niece or nephew from them late this summer.....hell most days he pisses me off alot less than Chris does....

my baby sister has been with her guy about as long as my wife and i have been together, high school sweet hearts......not married but if everything goes normal ill have a lil niece or nephew from her about 6 weeks after Chris has her kid....i cant wait.....

both of my sisters guys were informed by me and my brothers in no uncertain terms that if they treated them badly they would not be found......and we were dead serious and they knew it.....havent heard of a single problem nor seen a single thing to suggest Chris and Angie arent treated well....

however the three of us have never attempted to dictate what kind of guys Angie and Chris date.....they were pretty good bout weeding out the bad ones without any help from us.....age has never been a issue but neither of them have ever dated anyone seriously older than them(for me the point where i get concerned is 10 years difference after high school)....the guys were informed that should things go bad and they hurt the girls us brothers wouldnt waste any time on chatting with the cops, we would just deal with them personally and left it at that...4 years age difference would not raise a red flag at all...

 

[amphirion]

maybe i should clarify my stance as well. i wouldnt care about the age issue at all. as for the age issue of the 4 year difference, a relationship between an 17 year old and 13 year old will be different from an 18 year old and 22 year old, which will be different from a 30 year old and a 26 year old even though they all have a difference 4 years just because of maturity issues. that's all i have to say about that.

with that being said, i will give the guy my sister choses to date the broken legs talk regardless of his age.
pretty much in line with what rattler said, there's away of getting the message across without losing self control or composure. also trusting sisters to make the right decisions goes hand in hand with giving them advice, but not dictation--that only causes bitterness and resentment.

 

[Presto]

You all do realize we are a full DECADE into the 21st century here?

I would not want to date a guy who treated me well because he was afraid of getting beaten up by my hypothetical big brother. I would want to date a guy who treated me well because he knew right from wrong and respected me as an equal. If your sisters can't tell the difference between those two types of men, then there is a problem.

One thing we all must learn as older siblings, as parents, as friends, is that in situations like these, people must forge their own path and make their own mistakes in order to learn and grow. Offering unsolicited advice (even if we KNOW we're right), does nothing but cause resentment and ruin their opportunity to learn. (especially if it turns out WE were wrong!)

 

[seedjar]

I hate to say it but it could get worse, and probably will. I don't have close siblings so it's difficult for me to say, but I do have close female friends that I can get pretty insanely protective over, so I sympathize with you. You should just hope that she's choosing this guy because he's a good guy and watches out for her. Save the judgements for when you meet him. I certainly won't fault you for splitting his lip if he turns out to be a jerkwad. Sounds like you're coming around alright on your own though. Take care.
~Joe

 

[thez_yo]

While I realize working for a few months in a different country without being in the military is vastly different from doing so and experiencing all of the things you have, BuddhistAdam, I understand what you're going through and I've felt culture shock from being someplace where they even speak the same language as my originating country. I've even felt culture shock from spending a few months in Hawaii, having grown up in lower 48. I'd say if you just got back, the first month you will feel really strange, miss people's physical and social cues, be confused at the grocery store, and feel like you're messing up the things you're trying to communicate with other people (how you speak with others will have changed) that came so easily to you before. I felt like an outsider for a good 2-3 months after I got back from Hawaii to the main land, and there's just nothing I could do to change that. You now have an experience from this trip, for life, that will affect the way you see things and how you live your life. You just have to figure out, within yourself how to integrate that to work with, instead of fight against or try to domineer, how you live your life back here again.

In order to make sure you're not being ostracized or abandoned by other people for what they think is very offensive or strange behavior, I think you have to sit down with them and have a serious discussion about the fact that you just lived in a different place with different social expectations including communication with other people, food, sleep, level of tension (e.g. the fear of being shot at), and even hygene. If you can, walk them through a day in the life of you over there. If you can't, tell them so. You might not understand what is happening with everyone else "back home", but also they don't understand what's going on with you and what *you* need in order to settle back in, because they haven't gone through what you have.

 

[scottychaos]

not seeing the problem here..sorry..
especially considering she is 18..

if she was 14 dating an 18 year old..ok then..feel free to freak out!
(not to mention getting the law involved!)

but at 18..its up to her..she can date a 50 year old guy if she feels like it!
sorry Adam..probably not what you want to hear..but IMO an 18 year old dating a 22 year old is a total non-issue..

age is irrelevant..
she could date an 18 year old loser jerk..
or a 28 year old really nice guy..
age simply isnt a factor.

and the older you get, the less important it is..
my wife is 5 years older than me!
and I was surprised to find out my sister (who is two years younger than me) is married to a 50 year old guy!
and she is 38! (I didnt learn how old he was until a few years after they had been married..he doesnt look it! and I never thought to ask..)
but I had no idea he was "that old"..and it totally doesnt matter..
he is a great husband and father..

(your sister probably also doesn't deserve you taking out your Iraq frustrations on her..none of that has anything to do with her..just an observation..I would say you way over-reacted, on a few different levels..)

Scot

 

[Tropics]

Adam, your feelings are completely valid. You’re in a very different environment, and your life is chaotic now. You’re going through a lot of inner changes in order to cope. Because of those changes you seek stability. You want to think of your home as you knew it, and you want to think of family members as you knew them. But the reality is that they are changing too. It’s difficult for you to understand those changes because you aren’t there to see how and why they are changing. You are aware of some of the effects, but not the causes. It’s going to take a lot of understanding on your part when you finally go home to feel that you are home again. You will never forget your experiences in Iraq that have resulted in new attitudes that you have. But also, you can’t forget your experiences while growing up and how they shaped you. There will likely be inner conflicts as you try to integrate your Iraq experiences and attitudes with your home experiences and attitudes. Although the process will be difficult, the potential is for you to emerge a better person with a broader view of the world who is thankful for family and comfortable at home.

 

[MidnightSkies]

I can understand how you're feeling protective of your sister, especially because you're feeling disconnected from everyone and everything you knew. I'm guessing that part of that might be because you don't want things to change even more while you're away. You can still be the protective older brother, but you do need to try not to be the controlling older brother. They are both adults, and trying to control things will only distance her more. If he treats her badly in anyway, then most definitely you need to be the protective big brother, but if nothing has went wrong, show her support. She probably needs that more. I'm speaking from personal experience with that. I'm in a 3 1/2 year relationship with a man 4 years older than I am. He is a wonderful person and has never used me, disrespected me, pushed me into things, or treated me badly in anyway. Not everyone is a bad person. We're planning on getting married once we're able to figure out financial problems. For me personally, if someone were to come up and tell me who I can and can't be with, and threaten the person that I care about and who has done nothing wrong, I would not want to talk to them much. But your sister isn't the real problem here...

As far as getting used to "home" again, it's not going to be something that will happen over night. It will take a lot of getting used to again, and you will have build up a lot of relationships again. It will take time. Your family and friends, even though they might seem different and like you don't know them anymore, they are still the same people. People are constantly changing, and you will have to learn new things about them, but they are still the same person, and they still care about you just the same. Being afraid to go back home is perfectly normal. You'll learn though that things won't be as bad as you think they will.

My fiance was previously enlisted, although not active, and there was still that getting used to home all over again feeling. Plus with being in a long distance relationship it makes things much worse. He's planning on re-enlisting for active duty this time, so we both have to be ready for things if he goes through with it.

 

[ellisonk001]

Adam,

While I understand being a protective brother, I have to agree with what several others have already voiced; at your sister’s age a four year difference really shouldn’t be an issue. If he makes her happy and treats her well, please be happy for her. Pushing this issue, especially from half way around the world will drive a wedge between you that may take years to work out.

As for being lost, I would disagree. Have things changed, yes. However, that does not mean you are lost. Believe it or not, I understand exactly what you are through. I was born and raised in a small Midwestern town and joined the military a week after graduating from high school. I then, went on to spend most of my 20+ year military career overseas. There have been several times that I felt out of place when I went “home”. However, I have always stayed very close with my family. I believe the key is open, honest communications. Things will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be close. It will take effort, but it is certainly possible. As for “home”, it has changed too, but you will be surprised, over the long-term, how much it will influence the way you see and react to things for the rest of your life. Even if you have changed and your “home” has changed it will continue to shape many things as you learn and grow. Sometime, the changes just seem to be too much, but in the long run it is still “home”.

Change is often very uncomfortable, but is a necessary part of growing.

 

[BuddhistAdam]

Thinking back on it now I suppose my reaction to my sister was one of fear. She's growing up. I haven't seen her in almost a year and we rarely speak. I suppose part of that commo issue is half mine but half hers as well. The only time she has ever bothered to make any for of communication with me was when I questioned her about her boyfriend. But the main issue is home...
As I was telling a few TFers last night I am literally scared to come home. This place (Iraq) seems more and more like home all the time whereas the place I once called home is a strange land. I'm scared to see all the changes in the people who I was familiar with. I'm so used to carrying my M4 and M9 9mm around and when I go home I lose that. Not gradually but immediately! I know those weapons like the back of my hand (as should every soldier) and have not been without them for more than 2 weeks time (and that scared me!) in a year's time. The issue is my feeling secure in a place that I once felt comfortable...

 

[Jag]

In my case I started dating my now girlfriend when I was 22 and she was 18. I am now 25 and still with her. I feel the age difference is great because I can communicate with her perfectly. Remember that women mature faster than men.

I also know what it feels to be protective of your little sister because I have one too. So I know what you felt when you heard she had a boyfriend. She was 18 and I was 22 when I first found out and I was furious but what help me was my mom when she made me realize that my little sister was not little anymore and was a woman. Now, with my sister's boyfriend, I consider him like my brother because he is like me in so many ways.

Now I can't say the same thing will happen to you Adam but at least give them a try. Get to know the person first and then decide if he is right for your sister or not. I think you got a little carried away by your experieces in Iraq. But I feel you do owe your sister an apology and try to gain her trust once again. Explain to her your experiences in Iraq. Also tell her your fears of going back home. I am sure she will understand just as much as we on this forum understand you.

I know you are fearful of going back home but when you do, try to take every day as an advantage for all the days you have missed out because of the war. I know that the war has changed you in many ways but remember the love you have for your family and friends...

--Jesse

 

[BuddhistAdam]

wrote my sister an apology email: Holly I owe you an apology.. let me explain, please.
yesterday when I wrote that email to you I was so angry. I wasn't angry about William or his age. I was angry because I'm scared, Holly. There is so much I am afraid of. I can't begin to fully explain how it is the way I feel but some of it is because so much has changed back home: Dad is getting older. And so are you. You might be my little sister but your not my skin n blister any more and that kills me. Everything has changed so much in a year's time that I am afraid to come home. Not nervous. AFRAID. People I once knew are now strangers including you. I lost touch with most of my friends back home and now my only friends are here in my unit and Janine with a few exceptions back in RI. I am so lost in my world Holly that Iraq seems more like home to me than the States do. And everytime I realize that it scares me and I get angry and lash out. I'm sure William is not a bad guy... But it scares me to realize that you are a woman now and not my baby skin n blister... I love you so much Holly. I really do. I just didn't know how to react because he came as a shock to me and so did everything else.. I'm just scared with no where and no one to run to...

 

[rattler]

Adam you really need some one to talk stuff out with over there.....its painfully obvious you are not handling the stress very well.....i though the idea posted on your other thread about finding a chaplain or similar to talk with to be a good idea....yes they arent Buddhists but from what im seeing from your posts you really need someone to vent your frustrations and fears on and a chaplain would seem to me to be a very good outlet....someone that isnt close to you, doesnt matter to you and your not afraid of judging you....unfortunately family and friends often dont work well cause yah hold back cause of the strings you have attached to them.....

you are in a dangerous place and you need to get your head screwed on tight before becoming a danger to yourself or others......