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Thread: Talking to ex's

  1. #9

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    Scot,


    Hope you don't mind me debating with you. I completely understand your point, and I think you communicated it quite well. I still have to disagree though. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]


    I understand the feeling. I was once dating someone who was very close to their ex. This is, BTW, the same person who is now my ex. Confused yet [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]? Anyway, at the time I made a big deal out of it just like you said your girlfriend was doing and I destroyed our relationship because of it. I've learned a lot since then though and I'm willing to say now that I was wrong...so dead wrong.


    This same situation happenned more recently, and here is where my argument is. It was very easy for my emotions to jump in and tell me it was wrong for my fiancee to have friends that are guys at all, let alone exs (sp?). There is where the choice is, and it is what I see as truly showing the level of trust and love. It was pure heck (this is a PG board, right) to try it, but I went with her to meet this guy. Of course, I hated him [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]. BUT, we all went out again, and I kept trying, and eventually starting questioning my feelings. He wasn't that bad of a guy, I trust my fiancee, and I've made a new friend out of it. It's a matter of forcing your way through the emotional distrust for that other person, and enriching both of your lives for it.


    If someone couldn't do that for me and be willing to take the hard path to a better eventual goal, no matter what their emotions, then I can't truly believe that they love me. If I can't believe that, then I can't see a reason to even be dating them.


    You mentioned that you wouldn't put up with your girlfriend not allowing any friends of the opposite sex, but you'll let them prevent you from being friends with your ex. Why? Some people see friends as "someone to do something with" and can make a new one a day. Other people are like me. I've been 5 years without someone I feel I could truly call "friend", someone who truly understands me and is truly a part of my life...and vice-versa. I question the trust and love of anyone who would take away my chance to change that.


    I'll concede this to you though, it really depends on the kind of person you are and your significant other is. I couldn't be with someone like you described, but you are happy with that person. It's just a matter of preference in what you want from a relationship and from a friendship. I'm completely happy with my decision though, so I think either way can work out. That is basically my point. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif[/img]


    Showbiz, it's just a matter of the kind of people you, your significant other, and your ex are. I think that if your SO and you are willing to push your way through the distrust and jealousy, you can have a happier relationship and a good friendship in the end. On the other hand, if your ex doesn't mean that much to you or you're not willing to go through the heck it will cause, it might be easier to just forget your ex. Just make sure you'll be happy with your decision, it's no fun to make the wrong one and find yourself second-guessing yourself and regretting years later...I know from experience. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/sad.gif[/img]




    Just a side note though. In my experience, women are much better at understanding and expressing their emotions, but guys are MUCH more likely to let their emotions control their decisions in spite of logic. Maybe I've been lucky with the women I've known...

  2. #10
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    Scotty is, in my experience, 100% right. If you don't aknowledge that emotions run a relationship, not logic, your relationship is doomed. This is really tough for us guys, so ladies, please be patient with us! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]
    It took me a while to accept the fact my wife wasn't "telling me what to do." It really made her uncomfortable for me to talk to any ex's. No logic, but that's not the point. Flower bouquettes aren't logical, either. They wilt and die in a couple of days, but the ladies still love 'em!

    Now chocolate....THAT's logical!!! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]
    17 Nash Rd.
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    YOU! Outta my gene pool!

  3. #11

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    Quote (schloaty @ Aug. 04 2003,10:53)
    Scotty is, in my experience, 100% right. If you don't aknowledge that emotions run a relationship, not logic, your relationship is doomed. This is really tough for us guys, so ladies, please be patient with us! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]
    It took me a while to accept the fact my wife wasn't "telling me what to do." It really made her uncomfortable for me to talk to any ex's. No logic, but that's not the point. Flower bouquettes aren't logical, either. They wilt and die in a couple of days, but the ladies still love 'em!

    Now chocolate....THAT's logical!!! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img][/QUOTE]
    I absolutely agree, but I also beleive that logic can help emotions along [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]. After all, buying flowers for your wife is logical as you know it will make them happy, and thus you happy. Think of what I said as an extension. The eventual goal allows your SO and you to be happy and have a new friend, whereas dropping contact with your Ex makes your SO somewhat happy (but sad she hurt you), makes you a bit less happy, and takes away a friend.

    So I simply say to keep that goal in mind and push your way through it. Try to make it work before giving up. Of course it won't be easy, but it's possible. Emotions can't be changed, but they can be controlled. You don't have to let them make decisions for you. If I know I want to do one thing, but it will cause me a lot of grief later, I'll force myself to do the other thing I don't want because I know it will make my life better in the long run. I want a Corvette right now, but my logic is keeping my money in the bank for a down payment on a house [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]. It's all a matter of if you think fighting with the pain in the interum is worth the result.

  4. #12

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    Thanks.
    Lithops care info: If you take care of it, it will die.

  5. #13
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    Nick,
    I think you may have been very lucky! I know you said you could never stay with a person "like that," but here's one for you:
    My wife has a very good reason for her "illogical unwillingness" to let me have an ex as a friend. While this is frustrating to me, it would be far more frustrating to me to NOT have my wife. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] Is she being rediculous? yes. Does it bother me? yes. Am I going to fight it? NO. There are always going to be things about your SO that bother you (and you them, don't forget! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] ). The decision to stay or not stay with them, in my mind, should not be based on one good or one bad thing, but rather the overall value of the relationship.

    I still forget to put down the toilet lid sometimes.... [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif[/img]
    17 Nash Rd.
    North Salem, NY 10560

    YOU! Outta my gene pool!

  6. #14

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    Everyone is different, there is no correct or incorrect answer to the original question. I am still friends with on of my ex-girlfriends. She was in my wedding party when I got married. This was not an issue for my wife although she likes to joke about it.

    Everyone has thier own level of insecurity, it's part of our personality and can't be changed. If you care about someone be they friend or lover you need to take thier concerns seriously. However it is never ejoyable when you are forced to choose between a friend and a lover. Life is full of hard decisions some good, some bad.

    That's my arm chair philosopher contribution. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]

  7. #15

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    schloaty,

    I can definitely see your point. I just consider my SO a friend, like any other friend, but one who is that much closer. Obviously, friends are extremely important to me, and I can't see anyone asking another person to give up a friend for any reason of their own. To me, that's like your wife telling you never to talk to your brother or father, who you've always been close to, ever again...maybe they'd like to ask me to cut off my arm while I'm at it? [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif[/img]


    Glenn is right here. I'll agree to disagree, as there is no "right" answer. I think it was a good conversation that gave some insight into a number of different viewpoints. Hopefully Showbiz will find it helpful. Thanks for giving me a diversion from work guys. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]



    PS ~ I love your avatar Schloaty. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif[/img]

  8. #16
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    Nick,
    You're right, no correct answers. Everyone's situation is different. I guess one could test the waters and check their SO's reaction and then act according to what is important to them.
    Quote
    PS ~ I love your avatar Schloaty. [/QUOTE]
    Thanks! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]

    @ Lavenderdawn
    Ha! I guess we're not too much help huh? All this discussion, and you're still stuck! LOL!



    17 Nash Rd.
    North Salem, NY 10560

    YOU! Outta my gene pool!

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