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Thread: Talking to ex's

  1. #1

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    Unhappy

    Just curious on what other people think....Is it taboo to speak to ex's when you are in a healthy relationship with someone else?[img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/confused.gif[/img]
    learn as if you will live forever, live as if you will die
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  2. #2
    scottychaos's Avatar
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    DONT DO IT! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif[/img]

    yes, very bad news..only harm can come from it..
    trust me, leave the ex in the past..
    when you are talking to your current girlfriend/boyfriend about "past relationships" the key word is "past".
    as long as they STAY "past" there isnt a problem..when the ex comes forward into the present, the current cant figure out why ytou want or need to talk to the ex at all...its only bad.

    not worth it...
    I tried it, it never works..
    kiss the ex goodbye, and never look back.

    Scot

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    Lightbulb

    I second that. It's bad mojo.

    Sometimes I wish it weren't so. In my case it's a wife, so you can imagine how ugly that can be to your present S.O.

    Just be mindfull of how you speak of the past.

    C
    Endlessly seeking a hybrid Dionaea muscipula big enough to eat my co-workers.

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    I'm with Scotty on this one [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/confused.gif[/img]
    Alexis Vallance, U.K.
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    Smile

    I will have to disagree with you guys.
    You say you have a healthy relationship with your partner. My definition of that would be that trust is a part of that relationship. Also, I would say much depends on the intention of your communication with your ex. And every situation is different. Each relationship we have with each other person is different & I can't see how you could generalize that it's "always bad to talk with your ex." If the person is truly your "ex" then it sounds as if the relationship is indeed over. But if that same person is merely a former partner then your relationship is just different now. People break up for all kinds of reasons & some breakups are quite civil & the former partners even stay friends.
    Restore our biosphere, create a new culture of kindness.

  6. #6
    scottychaos's Avatar
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    Lavender,
    I used to agree with you, but my personal experience changed my mind..here is my story.

    I had this one specific girlfriend ELEVEN years ago! it was 1992, we were both just out of college, we dated for one year then broke up.
    during the one year that we were boyfriend & girlfriend we didnt even live in the same city!

    I later moved to the same city she lived in, we stayed friends, she got married! we were still friends..totally 100% platonic, no chance of romance ever again etc etc..

    So I start dating this new young lady, she knows I have a few female friends, not a problem..however when she finds out I am "still friends" with the girl I dated over 10 years ago, she doesent like it! "But why?!" I exclaim..it was 10 years ago! we only dated a year! she is married now! im friends with her AND her husband! whats the problem??"
    I fought it for a year..I fought my NEW girlfriend for a year! telling her she was WRONG to be upset! it got worse and worse..all along I was holding on to the "I am allowed to have female friends" routine, being all indignant and superior.."If you cant handle me having a platonic female friend who I happened to date 10 years ago, you are the one with the problem, you are being unreasonable, you are being irrational, etc etc."

    hmmm..and I was SURPRISED when my new girlfriend kept getting more and more upset about it! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/confused.gif[/img]
    why cant she see the logic here?! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]
    in her eyes, I was choosing the old friend over her..
    and the fact that the old friend was Female and a former lover, even if it was 10 years ago,REALLY didnt help the situation! I was fighting so hard to preserve "I have the right to have friends! you cant tell me what to do!" etc..that I was driving a serious wedge into our relationship..

    eventually, I had to choose..the old platonic friend, or the new girlfriend...I picked my wonderfull new girlfriend!
    She was right...she was irrational and unreasonable and illogical, but she was STILL right! if you have a friendship that bothers your significant other, then its wrong..period.
    if you fight it, saying "you are being SO unreasonable! we are JUST FRIENDS!" you will lose.
    you will end up with just your friend..
    it took me lnearly 2 years of fighting my girlfriend to supposidly preserve "my rights", when all along I was losing..

    do you want to "RIGHT" and alone??

    or do you want to let your arguement go and make your girlfriend happy?? who is more important?? the old friend or the new person?
    for me, it eventually became clear..I let a friend go, she was cool with it, and my new girlfriend got the satisfaction of "winning" the contest! (thats a REALLY big deal for Women! guys! pay attention!! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] make your girlfriend the the MOST imporatant Woman in your life!! if she doesent like you hanging around with the old babe, even if its just irrational jealousy, and you KNOW you are just friends, let the old babe GO anyway! you cant fight it!! you WILL lose! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]

    Guys are generally cooler about this kind of thing, but still, no guy likes his girlfriend being "just friends" with an old boyfriend either! especially if the past relationship was "intimate"..
    So..I stand by my hard-earned advice..let the old relationships go..Completely! its for the best..

    Here is my girlfriend of 2 years out in the Sarracenia Bog!
    [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]
    it was worth letting the old friend go.
    it was the right thing to do..
    Scot


  7. #7

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    Funny this should come up. Not too long ago I got back in contact with my ex; my first serious relationship (and only other one besides my one right now). So I thought I'd drop my thoughts in on this one.

    There is nothing wrong with it, depending on your reasons. If that person was a part of your life once, there was a reason for that. Unless it was purely physical attraction (and I'm assuming it wasn't here), then you shared ideas, opinions, and likes/dislikes. The fact that you were in a relationship brought you closer to one another, leaving all the ingredients for a friendship behind.

    Friends are important, and hard to find. If this is a person that is truly special to you, then it's important you don't lose that IMO. It's not easy to come across people that you can truly be yourself with, and share your life with. To give something like that up because of some thoughtless social mores is a bad idea.

    Of course your significant other is important to you, and of course you will share your life with them. However, trust is a basis for any relationship. I can understand the jealousy they would feel as it is only natural, but if they truly love you they will work and try to accept your friendship. They will want it to grow, because it is something that makes you happy, and in turn makes them happy.

    If they don't, then who are they thinking of? Obviously not you. That would show a total lack of trust and love to me. I'm not sure how you feel, but I could never got out with somone who treats me like that.

    I'm going to try and stay short here, but if you're interested on some more thoughts on the subject, I've written quite a bit here.

    Although it won't work in all situations, what I've found to help is to make your significant other a part of things. Get all four of you together and go out. Let them get to know your ex and see that there's nothing to worry about. If you can get them to become friends as well, it will ease most of the tension.

    Anyway, just my $0.02. Best of luck with everything. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif[/img]

  8. #8
    scottychaos's Avatar
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    Nick,
    if everyone was purely logical, you would be right..
    but many people (women especially&#33[img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img] work more on pure emotion and virtually no logic at all! [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]

    my girlfriend trusted me completely..she KNEW that there was "nothing to worry about"..it wasnt a trust issue.
    what it came down to was that I was CHOOSING something that put her second-best, in her mind..all the logic in the world wouldnt change that view once it had been established..to her, I was fighting to preserve the friendship,
    and fighting AGAINST her! because it "should be my right, and logically you KNOW there is nothing wrong it and therefore you shouldnt be upset at all" but it was too late for that..the damage had already been done..the 2 ladies would NEVER be friends, it was impossible..
    my girlfriend has NO problem with any other Female friends I have! and I have no problem with her male friends..thats not the point..the problem is being friends with EX's..thats really a whole different scenerio..

    I DO agree that if you are dating someone who has a problem with ANY friend of the opposite sex, thats bad..and should not be tolerated!!
    if you are a Woman dating a guy who says "I dont like you having ANY male friends at all" then he deserves to get dumped immediately! Same for any woman who wont allow her boyfriend to have any fremale friends, etc..
    thats not right..
    but the whole "staying friends with ex's" issue is very sticky..
    if you are dating someone who is cool with it, thats great! but for many people, its too much, they see it as "well you had feelings for this person once before, how can I be sure those feelings are REALLY gone? She might still be a flirt! She might be better looking than me, He might think she is more interesting that me"..etc. its BAD! yes it might be illogical, but emotions often win out over logic.

    look at this this way..suppose you were married once before, got divorced, and re-married.
    no kids from the first marriage.
    you stay close FRIENDS with the ex-wife..
    should your new wife be HAPPY about that??
    probably not..
    WHY do you want to stay friends with the ex-wife?
    what do you get out of that relationship?
    why are you SO close to HER when you should be with me??
    its just human nature..even if we KNOW there is no fooling around going on, its still uncomfortable! and thats reason enough not to do it..
    (of course if there are kids involved, its a totally different story&#33[img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/img]

    if you can pull it off and not have the new person upset about it, then go for it! but if the new person doesnt like it, even if it doesnt make sense! then let it go..
    thats all im saying..

    from this guy's perspective, when dealing with Women, EMOTION wins out over LOGIC every time!
    and Women have a really hard time dealing with the "Other Woman"..even if its not logical! even if they KNOW they shouldnt be upset! doesent matter..it still, deep down, a worry..
    [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]
    you can fight it all you want, you will lose..

    Scot

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