I was reading Saturday's "People" section of Florida Today, and I laughed my butt off reading this hilarious "Paternity Ward" column entitled "As PCs shrink problems grow" by D. L. Stewart. Check it out (be sure to read the whole thing; it's pretty long):
* * *For reasons that no longer seem to make any sense whatsoever, we bought a new home computer a few weeks ago. I should have known it was a bad idea when I discovered that the instruction manual weighed four pounds more than the computer.
* * *Our old PC was larger than the instruction manual. It was, in fact, larger than your average Barnes & Noble parking lot. But other than forcing us to re-arrange some furniture, it served our needs and people who visited said the couch actually looked quite nice out on the deck.
* * *We did have occasional problems operating it. Fortunately, we could call and get help from our daughter-in-law, who would come over to our house and tell us that most of our problems were because our PC, in technical terms, "really old." Of course, just about everything is "really old" to someone who still gets carded at PG-13 movies.
* * *In addition to being eligible for Medicare, she would insist, our PC was seriously underpowered. The last time she came over she wrote a cheat sheet for us:
* * *• "Turn on computer, using button on the big box thing that takes up the space in the den where your couch used to be. Go to the phone and order pizza while you wait for log on command to appear.
* * *• "Log onto the computer by typing in the user name and password you have written on that piece of paper you taped to the side of the monitor, which is the television-looking thing.
* * *• "While you wait for computer to connect, answer doorbell. Pay for pizza. Eat pizza. Go out for ice cream. When you get back, maybe you'll be connected and you can check your e-mail messeges. Unless the system is overloaded because you have more than three of them."
* * *After five years of this, my wife and I each have gained 50 pounds and we decide that she may be right. So we go to a computer store and buy a new Mac computer called an iBook. For those of you who are interested in technical specifications, it is white.
* * *The reason we decided to switch to a Mac is because several of our friends assured us that Macs are more user-friendly than PCs. It never occurred to me that our old PC was particularly unfriendly, although my wife seemed to take offense whenever we got the messege on our screen saying, "How many times do we have to tell you that you cannot connect to that page, stupid?"
* * *Whatever its personality, it definitely is smaller than our old PC, which we have moved into the four-bedroom house we had built for it. The iBook is approximately the size of a pancake and has virtually every feature that our PC had. With the possible exception of a usable keyboard.
* * *Through the wonders of macro-engineering, the entire English alphabet, plus 127 other keys that serve no apparent purpose, have been fitted onto a keyboard the size of a postage stamp. This makes it possible to type entire words, such as "jkmi," with one touch of a finger.
* * *I'm sure there are many other wonderful features on this computer, but so far, the best feature seems to be its light weight, which makes it portable enough to carry back to the computer store and hurl through the front window. Which, in technical terms, is a "small Mac attack."