Joke time! I finally found my joke book.
Did you hear about the florist who had twins?
One's a budding genius, and the other's a blooming idiot!
Why is a classroom like an old car?
Because it's full of nuts and has a crank in the front.
How do we know that Rome was built at night?
Because all the books say it wasn't built in a day.
What do you get when you cross a witch with an ice cube?
A cold spell.
Guitar for sale, cheap, no strings attached.
Sign on janitor's closet: Will whoever took my ladder please return it, or further steps will be taken.
Did you hear about Mrs. Dimwitts new baby? She thought babies should be pink of blue, but this one was a horrible yeller.
What happened to Ray when he died?
He became X-Ray.
"A well brought up child never crubles his bread or rolls in his soup."
A boy was helping his father out with a do-it-yourself job.
Dad: Your like lighting with that hammer.
Boy: Fast, eh?
Dad: No, you never strike in the same place twice.
Was the carpenter's son a chip off the old block?
"Do you serve women at this bar?"
"No, you have to bring your own."
What's the difference between a crossword expert, a greedy boy, and a pot of glue?
The crossword expert's a good puzzler, a greedy boy is a pud guzzler, and the pot of glue? Ah, that's where you get stuck.
What kind of cans do they have in Mexico?
Man1: A loud noise woke me up this moring.
Man2: What was it?
Man1: The crack of dawn.
"Is this river any good for fish?" "Must be, i can't get any of them to leave it."
Where do geologists go for fun?
A rock concert.
What's wrong with this fish?
Long time, no sea.
Sign in resturaunt: All water in this estabishment has been personally passed by the management.
What did the gold rush miners say when the mayor fell in manure?
"You reeka! You reeka!"
This window is in worse condition than i thought, it's broken on both sides.
"Dig a hole in the road" "What do i do with all the dirt?" "Dig another hole and bury it"
How do you confuse an idiot?
Give him two shovels and ask him to take his pick.
A farmer bought 100 chickens to start a chicken farm. One month later, they were all dead. He bought another hundred. One month later, he bought 100 more since the last bunch died. "I know what i'm doing wrong." he said to the clerk, "I think i'm planting them too deep."
Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.
"Would you like a plug for your new bath tub?" "Oh, i didn't know it was electric."
People who live in Paris are not called parisites.
My dad saves burned out light bulbs for his dark room.
Did you hear about the idiot tap dancer?
He fell in the sink.
"I want all these exits sealed."
*10 minutes later*
"How did he get away?!?!"
"He left through an entrance sir."
I'll give my entire fortune to the doctor who saves my life...
"I'm sorry jimmy, we can't afford the new video"
Jimmy returns the next day with the video.
"How did you get that video?"
"Simple, i traded in the TV for it."
I have a lot more in my joke book, i'll post them a little later on so the mods don't get mad at me for such a large post.
Hope you enjoy them!