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Thread: Friend's dad died

  1. #1

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    Hey Everyone,
    One of my friend's had a tragedy on Sunday. His dad died (not sure of what but he did have Alzheimers). I know you are supposed to give your condolences but I was wondering when to.
    My friend works at the same place and last night I also saw him at a meeting of a club. At work it is common knowledge that his dad died and we don't say anything b/c well he has not yet come back. Anyway at the club last night everyone also knew but we did not say anything b/c we did not know how he would react. Well I unfortunatly had to bring my grandfather to this club and the first thing he says is "Sorry to hear about your dad". Now this was totally unapproprate I and appartly everyone else thinks. Since my friend stopped talking muttered thanks and shortly left the meeting. Today at work I was hammered with cold looks, glares and general un-appreciation/hatred.
    Does anyone have any suggestions for what to do to get everyone from hating me. Obviously what my un-compassionate Grandfather did I could not control and I don't really want to take the fall out. I tried to explain to everyone at work and also told my grandfather he was out of line to do such a thing. If anything the only thing that happened was at work people hate me more and my grandfather after yelling about funerals for several minutes will not talk to me. His yelliing at me does not matter b/c I rarly see him andhe will forget in a couple days anyway.
    So Any suggestions?

  2. #2
    Moderator Schmoderator Fluorescent fluorite, England PlantAKiss's Avatar
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    I don't feel that anything wrong was done. Most people appreciate a kind word when they've lost someone they love. Sometimes friends feel awkward about saying something because they feel it draws attention to the fact of the death. Personally I think its much better to be direct and honest and show your friend you care that he has suffered a loss than trying to pretend everything is the same and it didn't happen. I think its much more awkward to know that's happened and NOT say anything.

    And I sure don't know why your friends think anything was wrong about what was said. Shoot...your friend might even appreciate a hug from his friends. That's a tough thing to go through.

    Not to compare a human to a dog, but when I had to put my dog down last year, it was upsetting to me everytime someone came up and said something but at the same time, it was good to know that they understood how painful that loss was to me. And I really appreciated knowing they cared to say something.
    "Fox terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs." - Jerome K. Jerome

  3. #3
    Stay chooned in for more! Clint's Avatar
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    when someone dies, it hurts worse when no one says anything.

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    Juan-Carlos's Avatar
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    I agree, I think nothing was out of line, and your grandfather was just offering his condolence nothing more. The work people have issues.
    Heliamphora ... A genus that intrigues me and fills me with joy!

    -Jc
    Miami, Florida

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    herenorthere's Avatar
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    I admire your grandfather for stepping up and saying, "sorry to hear about your dad." I get all caught up in the inner turmoil of wondering what should I say and when. And, if I wait too long, worrying what everyone else thinks.
    Bruce in CT

    Madness is something rare in individuals but in groups, parties, peoples, ages it is the rule. Friedrich Nietzsche

  6. #6

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    Yeah well I was wondering b/c the guy went out of the meeting crying. I probibly would have also. I don't know it's kind of odd. I'm not really good with the death thing. In october when my best friend died I didn't want anyone talking about it so I really was not sure what to do.
    although I have to say my grandparents have 0 compasion or ability to be sad. They should really be studied. I remember when I was 6 and my great grandmother died (on my grandmother's side). My grandmother just said "Oh well, about time". Not something I will ever forget. Mainly b/c right after that my aunt passed out.

  7. #7

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    Honestly, he probably might have left the meeting crying even if your grandfather didn't say anything. Something else might have triggered a fond memory, and that's why he left. I think most people would rather know that you have good intentions rather than ignoring the fact that something tragic happened in their lives. And don't worry about your grandpa. I think that as people get older, I daresay the get a little more used to people dying around them, forgetting how it affects the generations below that age group.

    I don't know how well you know your friend's dad but when my friend's grandmother died (I knew her from dinners at their house) I sent a small bouquet of flowers to the family with a note that said I thought their gramdma would appreciate a nice, simple bunch of flowers without the muss and fuss. Then I said that I'd always remember that she was a true Texan lady with the flair for storytelling. After a few days, the family got back to me and said that it was one of the most wonderful notes they received because it was a short but correct description of what they wanted to remember about her. No mention of the death, no cliched statements.

    People react differently, so maybe you could send your friend a card, or in a few weeks offer to take him out to dinner if he's up to it. Nothing that would make him feel cornered into talking if he doesn't want to, but something that would show you are there if he wants to.
    A flytrap ate my homework!
    -Michelle

  8. #8

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    Your grandpa didn't do anything wrong...what IS wrong is other people pretending nothing happened. It's almost an insult to the family of the deceased. They sustained a huge loss...acknowledge it! "I'm so sorry about your loss" is all that's needed.

    If people are mad at you because your grandpa followed simple courtesy and etiquette..THEY'RE the ones with the problem. April
    \"People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don't put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible,\" Jamie Raskin, to Senator Nancy Jacobs.

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