this was originally published in 2000, but it applys to today i think. if you can tell me who wrote it ill send you 1 D. capensis seed(trust me you only need 1)
If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no
doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even
$1.92. And that's just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas
prices are even worse.
Americans are ticked off about this, and with good
reason: Our rights are being violated! The First
Amendment clearly states: 'In addition to freedom of
speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline
prices, so they can drive around in `sport utility'
vehicles the size of minor planets.''
And don't let any so-called ''economists'' try to tell
you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do.
Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in
foreign units called ''kilometers,'' plus they are
paying for it with foreign currencies such as the
''franc,'' the ''lira'' and the ''doubloon.'' So in
fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they
But here in the U.S., we are definitely getting messed
over, and the question is: What are we going to do
about it? Step one, of course, is to file a
class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies.
They have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries
really hate them, so we'd probably win several hundred
But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this
problem, we must understand how the oil business
works. Like most Americans, you probably think that
gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Ha
ha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from
tanks located UNDER the gas station.
These tanks are connected to underground pipelines,
which carry large oil tankers filled with oil from the
But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the
first place? To answer that question, we must go back
millions of years, to an era that geologists call the
Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the
Earth, eating everything that stood in their path,
except for broccoli, which they hated.
And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway
asteroid, believed by scientists to be nearly twice
the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed into
the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad
luck all happened to be standing right where it
landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs, via a
process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was
then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in
turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who
hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed.
For many years, the Middle East was content to supply
the United States with as much oil as we wanted at
fair constitutional prices. But then the major
oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq,
Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an
organization called OPEC, which stands for ''North
Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the 1970s, OPEC
decided to raise prices, and soon the United States
was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era.
It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding
reception without being ordered onto the dance floor
to learn ``The Hustle.''
At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was
caused by the fact that every motorist in the United
States was determined to keep his or her automobile
gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as
your gas gauge dropped from ''Full'' to
''Fifteen-sixteenths,'' you'd rush to a gas station
and get in a huge line with hundreds of other
motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot
of people, including me, saved on heating oil by
buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to
transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room
filled with kerosene fumes.
Buying gas and dancing ''The Hustle'' with people who
smelled like kerosene: That was the '70s.
So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time
we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them
with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the same fuel
economy as the Pentagon. Now, once again, we find
ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question
is: This time, are we going to learn from the past?
Are we finally going to get serious about energy
Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we
need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure,
there's only one practical way to do this.
That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have
the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster
scientific movies, ''Jurassic Park'' and ''Jurassic
Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.'' Once we
have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if
he is available, Michael Moore.
If this plan makes sense to you, double your
medication dosage, then write to your congressperson.
Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I siphon your