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Thread: Another oil article

  1. #1
    rattler's Avatar
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    this was originally published in 2000, but it applys to today i think. if you can tell me who wrote it ill send you 1 D. capensis seed(trust me you only need 1)

    If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no
    doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even
    $1.92. And that's just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas
    prices are even worse.

    Americans are ticked off about this, and with good
    reason: Our rights are being violated! The First
    Amendment clearly states: 'In addition to freedom of
    speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline
    prices, so they can drive around in `sport utility'
    vehicles the size of minor planets.''

    And don't let any so-called ''economists'' try to tell
    you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do.
    Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in
    foreign units called ''kilometers,'' plus they are
    paying for it with foreign currencies such as the
    ''franc,'' the ''lira'' and the ''doubloon.'' So in
    fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they
    are paying.

    But here in the U.S., we are definitely getting messed
    over, and the question is: What are we going to do
    about it? Step one, of course, is to file a
    class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies.
    They have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries
    really hate them, so we'd probably win several hundred
    billion dollars.

    But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this
    problem, we must understand how the oil business
    works. Like most Americans, you probably think that
    gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Ha
    ha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from
    tanks located UNDER the gas station.

    These tanks are connected to underground pipelines,
    which carry large oil tankers filled with oil from the
    Middle East.

    But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the
    first place? To answer that question, we must go back
    millions of years, to an era that geologists call the
    Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the
    Earth, eating everything that stood in their path,
    except for broccoli, which they hated.

    And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway
    asteroid, believed by scientists to be nearly twice
    the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed into
    the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad
    luck all happened to be standing right where it
    landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs, via a
    process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was
    then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in
    turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who
    hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed.

    For many years, the Middle East was content to supply
    the United States with as much oil as we wanted at
    fair constitutional prices. But then the major
    oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq,
    Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an
    organization called OPEC, which stands for ''North
    Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the 1970s, OPEC
    decided to raise prices, and soon the United States
    was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era.

    It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding
    reception without being ordered onto the dance floor
    to learn ``The Hustle.''

    At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was
    caused by the fact that every motorist in the United
    States was determined to keep his or her automobile
    gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as
    your gas gauge dropped from ''Full'' to
    ''Fifteen-sixteenths,'' you'd rush to a gas station
    and get in a huge line with hundreds of other
    motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot
    of people, including me, saved on heating oil by
    buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to
    transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room
    filled with kerosene fumes.

    Buying gas and dancing ''The Hustle'' with people who
    smelled like kerosene: That was the '70s.

    So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time
    we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them
    with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the same fuel
    economy as the Pentagon. Now, once again, we find
    ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question
    is: This time, are we going to learn from the past?
    Are we finally going to get serious about energy
    conservation?

    Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we
    need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure,
    there's only one practical way to do this.

    That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have
    the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster
    scientific movies, ''Jurassic Park'' and ''Jurassic
    Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.'' Once we
    have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if
    he is available, Michael Moore.

    If this plan makes sense to you, double your
    medication dosage, then write to your congressperson.
    Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I siphon your
    tank.
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  2. #2
    N=R* fs fp ne fl fi fc L Pyro's Avatar
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    Dave Barry.

    And you can keep the capensis seed I already have 8 billion of them
    'My love was science- specifically biology and, more specifically, when placed in a common jar, which of two organisms would devour the other.'

    See You Space Cowboy

    actagggcagtgatatcccattggtacatggcaaattagcctcatgat
    Hagerstown, Maryland

    --
    actagggcagtgatatcccattggtacatggcaaattagcctcatgat

  3. #3
    rattler's Avatar
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    lol yep. dang it you sure? ive got two mostly ripe flower stalks. one has almost 8 inches worth of flowers. i swear these are trying to take over the planet....................
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  4. #4

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    "we're just a few dinosaurs short of a full tank" I've read it before. funny though.

    cheers
    Zac
    "You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public" -Scott Adams-

  5. #5
    Moderator Schmoderator Fluorescent fluorite, England PlantAKiss's Avatar
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    That was a good read. lol But dang I didn't even get to try for that capensis seed. [img]http://www.**********.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif[/img]
    "Fox terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs." - Jerome K. Jerome

  6. #6
    Outsiders71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] (rattler_mt @ Sep. 13 2005,3:25)]lol yep. dang it you sure? ive got two mostly ripe flower stalks. one has almost 8 inches worth of flowers. i swear these are trying to take over the planet....................
    Capensis that easy to seed when you have 2 that aren't clones? I only have one atm.
    James 1:17

    "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

  7. #7
    rattler's Avatar
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    dont worry about two clones. these guys are EXTREAMLY self fertile. one plant soon becomes thousands if you let it bloom
    cervid serial killer
    Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety
    I didn't get stimulated but he kept his promise on change, that's about all I got left!
    http://www.wolfpointherald.com/--http://www.safety-brite.net/

  8. #8
    Lauderdale's Avatar
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    Whoever wrote that article is an absolute satirical genius. Please...somebody tell me who the author is so I can read more of his stuff...maybe the genius will rub off on me.

    These are my two favorite lines.
    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] ]they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the
    ''franc,'' the ''lira'' and the ''doubloon.'' So in
    fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they
    are paying.
    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] ]as was shown in two blockbuster
    scientific movies, ''Jurassic Park'' and ''Jurassic
    Park Returns

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