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Its not so bad!

  • #21
Y'all sure are harsh on women.
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Do you even LIKE women?

Anyone here know any NICE women who don't "butter you up", fight, cry and control you with dramatic histrionics? Why would even WANT to date a woman like that at all??

I don't know any women who are like that with their men. What planet are y'all living on?
 
  • #23
[b said:
Quote[/b] ]Anyone here know any NICE women who don't "butter you up", fight, cry and control you with dramatic histrionics?

No.

[b said:
Quote[/b] ]Why would even WANT to date a woman like that at all??

Because thats all we got.
 
  • #24
[b said:
Quote[/b] (0zzy @ Oct. 11 2006,6:32)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] ]Anyone here know any NICE women who don't "butter you up", fight, cry and control you with dramatic histrionics?

No.

[b said:
Quote[/b] ]Why would even WANT to date a woman like that at all??

Because thats all we got.
That is sooooooooo true.

You come to Dallas and find ONE chick thats not a golddigger, attention *****, or just a pain in the ***. I gurantee shes not from here and is just visiting or something.
 
  • #25
Oh man... come on, now! I know some nice girls. I guess I'm not from Texas, though...

Personally, I prefer my female N. khasiana to any woman.
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  • #26
Well I'm glad I live in VA then.
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  • #27
Feelings are mutual now, she doesnt want to date me any more, (I guess) So Im not so upset about it now...

Im just tierd of the "Oh my you and amanda broke up, how long were you guys dating? A year and 9 months? wow... thats a long time... welll... *akward silence* im gonna get going to class bye!"
 
  • #28
Nepenthes_AK

I'm not sure if you were looking for advice, or if it is still relevant anymore, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.  Lacking any proper context for the scenario I may be way off, but on that off chance it helps...


I think the most important first step to deciding how to proceed in your relationship, or even your friendship, is to identify what you want out of it.  It seems so straightforward and simple, but can turn out to be quite complicated.  Many people enter relationships without any kind of real goal, and it placed undue stress on both partners.  While that purpose should remain malleable, and you can always update and change it, entering a relationship, or making a decision regarding one, without understanding your own desires can cause a lot of hardship for both sides.

At this point I think you need to ask yourself:  What did I want out of this relationship?  What do I want out of a relationship now?  Will I be able to get that out of a relationship with this person?

I know nothing of your situation, but I do know that failing to answer these key questions leads to a lot of hardships and eventual breakups in a huge number of cases.  It is often taken as an axiom that the other people you interact with want the exact same thing as you, and that is rarely the case.  Without understanding what the other person truly wants and, more importantly, what you want, you can spend a lot of time tugging against one another instead of working together to build that perfect relationship where you would both be happy.

I know that for many identifying their own reasons can sometimes be difficult.  If it helps, some of the more common ones I can think of include:

Finding a soul mate
Finding an activity partner
Sexual satisfaction (Sorry, I do not know your age)
Intellectual stimulation
Popularity via proxy
To meet social norms (ie: because you think it's what you're supposed to do)
etc...

The first four, for example, are valid reasons to be in a relationship, and understanding how well that relationship is fulfilling that purpose helps you determine if the person you are with is the right one.  Since I was around 13 years old my primary goal was the first one listed.  As such, my first two relationships with girls who wanted only short term relationships, possibly for the latter reasons, ended very quickly.  In retrospect I am glad that I cut them off before there was too much attachment.  It wasn't the easiest decision, but I maintain that it was the correct one.  On the other hand, if you were in this relationship for one of the latter two reasons, it might be a good time to re-evaluate your position as neither is really a valid rationale for being intimate (and, even so, number six is extremely common).

It sounds as though you do not have complete trust in this person, and that they may have had incompatible qualities with you that made this breakup more of a relief than a tragedy.  I am going to editorialize a bit here and say that without trust and respect, you will not have a healthy relationship.  No matter what else you do, lack of trust will only breed jealousy, and lack of respect will never allow stability.



In anything you do in life, business, friendship, education, and especially relationships, one of the most important aspects is going to be clear concise communication.  I have become all too aware of this myself over the past year or two, as my job commonly entails spending 45 minutes working on a situation that could have been resolved in under 10 minutes if it was communicated properly the first time.  But I digress... ;)

So it is in relationships too.  The tired cliche of arguments erupting regularly because the woman expects that the man prioritizes long-term emotional connection while his main concern is physical satisfaction is a perfect example.  If both communicated their goals they could hopefully come to a compromise, respecting one another's feelings and opinions, and further satisfying one another's desires.  It makes a more stable and happy relationship for both.  In a worse case scenario the relationship may fall apart, but that only allows both to find more compatible partners.

My advice, if she is still interested in getting back together, is to sit down and talk.  What I mean by this is leaving as many emotions as possible at the door, losing any social inhibitions that may obscure the truth, and clearly communicate exactly what you feel and what you want out of your relationship.  Then listen as she does the same.  Just as importantly, determine exactly what caused the breakup, and any prior arguments, and plan a way to prevent a re-occurrence.  I think you will find that in many cases it was nothing more than a miscommunication, and that can be easily rectified for the future.  But keep in mind that this will only work if she is willing to be open and honest, and with the aforementioned goal, as well.

If you can do this, and begin a clear, honest, and open dialogue, it will become abundantly clear whether she is being honest or trying to play the situation to keep you together.  Be aware of if she is doing the latter, but also be aware that not everyone, male or female, has the motives attributed in the past few posts.  People are individuals, and if you give respect to no one because of what some might do, you do a disservice only to yourself.

Even if you do not get back together, doing this may help you gain closure.  At the very least that closure would allow you to avoid any awkwardness you're feeling now.

Remember those tears may have indicated she sincerely wants to stay with you, even though doing so may not be a good idea.  Sometimes two people simply aren't compatible, without fault on either side.  There is not always blame, so don't feel the need to assign it if it is not there.  I hope you can still maintain a friendship with her when this is all over.



Good luck; I hope things work out for you.



PS ~ My apologies for any spelling mistakes or vagueness; I am short on time and cannot re-read before posting this time...
 
  • #29
wow, thanks for that, but now its just a friend ship, But it gave me some much needed insite thanks. dont worry about spelling, At least I know I dont care to much
 
  • #30
Nicholas that was deep. I'm kinda going through girl problems too. But I'll tell you this: if my lady would want to come back I would do it in a second. If it's there then go get it. Work whatever needs to be worked out and love each other. I'm so down over my situation right now I'm thinking take these pills to get it over with or join the Marines to maybe get it over with. When you know you found that person do whatever. I don't care what anyone says. Give whatever it takes, but don't give up. Maybe friends will turn back into something more. Almost two years you said you had. Me too. I've been so much with my lady it seems longer then that. Good luck and wish me luck too.
 
  • #31
Sounds like you already have the pills.

Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem.

You can't have ecstacy without agony. Life must stay in balance. No matter how depressed you are now, remember that you can be equally as happy later down the road.
 
  • #32
Happyness0sadness

the 0 is the balance point... you got to have some w/ the other... off senter and bad things are sure to happenm you have to much happieness and then BAM poop hits the fan...
 
  • #33
I had the pills in my hand on 9/24 when I was in Boston. She lives out there now. Too much stuff right now. I'm a duck on water. You see me and I'm good and all that but inside is a different story. You know how birds when they get sick you know it when it's too late to save them. Sucks.
 
  • #34
Dude. It's never too late to save anything.

Go to a therapist and get a script for an SSRI. I'm usually against them, but you sound like you really do need them at least temporarily. You might even need lithium.
 
  • #35
[b said:
Quote[/b] (JMurphy97 @ Oct. 12 2006,11:59)]I had the pills in my hand on 9/24 when I was in Boston. She lives out there now. Too much stuff right now. I'm a duck on water. You see me and I'm good and all that but inside is a different story. You know how birds when they get sick you know it when it's too late to save them. Sucks.
JMurphy,

I hope you do not take my optimism for naivety.  I understand your position.  In November of 2004 I was in what sounds like the exact same situation as you.  If my family and friends had not been with me I would not be here to write this post to you right now.

I had spent four years engaged to a woman who I truly loved and gave all my heart and soul to.  Our future was crystal clear to me, and everything I did was thought of in relation to her.  Our love was my single purpose and direction in life.

Two months after our wedding she became restless, and by the end of month three my family had carried me out of my apartment after she demanded a divorce.  Even given what we had gone through, the only thing that got me through the first weeks was the hope that she would come back.  It is a difficult situation, and I know from experience that little I can say right now will change your mind, so I will only say that I hope you make it through things alright.



Given the choice, I would never go through something like that again, but after having two years to analyze and think about my situation I will also say that my future is brighter now than it would have otherwise been.  It's hard to convey the feelings other than to say that those months were hard enough that I'm not sure a lifetime of happiness was worth suffering through them.  Of course, now that I am through I can only say that I'm happy I made it this far, for I have quite an adventure ahead of me.

I've begun to think that nearly anyone can fall in love with one another.  It's a strange emotion, and tends to have no regard for how similar or different our object of affection is from us.  What this also means though is that there is not one single other half for any given person.  There are such a myriad of different ways to be happy, a myriad of different partners who could satisfy you equally as well but in completely different ways.  I would never suggest that love can be controlled or directed, but we can control the environment in which it works, and we certainly have more than one shot at that perfect life.

Just as I would not place an ex-alcoholic friend in the middle of a beer party, I am careful with who I allow my heart to interact.  I've learned that love does not equate happiness, though I believe it is a prime component.  To truly be happy both your heart and your head need to be satisfied.  You need a lover who is also a best friend and equal partner.  That is where the trust and respect come in.  Even after four years, I had little respect for my partner.

It doesn't really matter what specifically happened anymore.  I'm not interested in laying out the specifics of my situation so that I can place blame.  The simple fact is that, whatever else may have occurred, we were the antithesis of one another on so many levels.  Superficially we seemed similar, but on a deeper level we were simply not compatible...and that's all there is to it: sometimes there is no blame to place, there's just a lack of compatibility.

I would not suggest nepenthes_ak (nor you) terminate a relationship in so advanced a state, and I know he would not take that advice if I did, but my goal was simply to help him avoid getting there.  If the person he was with was not going to fulfill him intellectually and emotionally, and he had not yet fallen for them, I could only advise he not place himself in a situation that would allow a bad relationship to grow stronger and consume him.



Over the past year and a half I have had a chance to get to know, and fall in love with, someone who does fulfill the criteria I mentioned above, and let me tell you the amazing difference that it makes.  I have never experienced a relationship like this before.  The complete comfort in saying any (absolutely any) thought that comes into my mind; the fluidity with which we work together; the mutual respect and trust; the lack of almost any friction between us.  For someone who never thought he would smile again, I'm finding myself finally beginning to grasp true happiness.

Had I known this was possible before; maybe I would have stopped that bad relationship before it got as far as it did; maybe I would have been able to stop it in those first weeks before I almost destroyed myself.  I can only hope that some of what I've said would help nepenthes_ak, or anyone else reading the thread, from going through what I did.  At the very least, maybe I can help someone get through what I did and find the utopia on the other side.

If you feel like talking I'm available via PM.
 
  • #36
Well said Nicholas.

JM...I think you'll find most people have been through what you are going through. And its ROUGH. Your situation is not unique. To end your life now while you are suffering through a "normal" part of life would be such a waste of a valuable human being! As many have said...it WILL get better. And like Nicholas, once you have weathered the storm, come out on the other side and look back on things...you will see it differently than you do now.

Human beings have an amazing capacity for love. Can you imagine if love were something that had a limit...like a glass you fill and then no more will go in? Luckily our hearts can never stop giving and receiving love. Its one of our very good qualities.
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And most people will have a number of loves throughout their lives. Some more intense than others. But while you may think life is worthless right now...there may be the absolute love of your life waiting for you right around the corner. And you'll wonder how you could have ever felt that THIS woman was "the one." Life is funny like that.

Talk to your friends, talk to family if you're close, talk to a therapist even. Sometimes that's needed to get over the "hump."

But forget the pills. No human being is worth the loss of your life.

Come here and vent or grab a shoulder any time.
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  • #37
[b said:
Quote[/b] (JMurphy97 @ Oct. 12 2006,11:59)]You see me and I'm good and all that but inside is a different story.
If I may make one more comment, it sounds here like you are repressing your feelings on the matter; perhaps for social acceptability or perhaps because you just can't find a way to articulate a hurt that deep.  I would advise that you talk about it, as often and thoroughly as you can, to whoever will be there for you.  If nowhere else I'm sure there are many here who would be willing to listen.

Besides the effects it can have initially, repression can cause many issues down the road.  I am still functioning with a definite decrease in cognitive abilities and struggling to remember more than flashes of the past decade of my life.  A situation like yours is hard enough to get out of without having to deal with residual effects down the road.
 
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