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Post a Funny Story Thread

Well here is my first funny story...

There was a man who liked firecrakers a lot and liked them big and bad. Well he was helping an farmer and saw something that looked like a large firecraker and asked the farmer if he could have it. The farmer said, "yes" and the man leaves home with visions of fireworks dancing in his head. At home he places the 'firecraker' in the middle of his front yard and lights it and runs. However, he dosen't get away before the concussion hits and rolles him 10 feet. The "firecraker" left behind a crater large enough to hold a small bush. Turns out the "firecraker" was in fact a 1/4 stick of dynamite!

I belive this is a true story.
 
The following is an accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down to me. This explains the two broken legs.

This explains why I cited "poor planning" as the cause of the accident.
 
That's not funny!
(Then why are you laughing so hard?  
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Probably the most frequently told story about Coolidge is the one where an important hostess told him why he had to talk to her: "You must talk to me Mr. Coolidge. I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you." Coolidge told her: "You lose."

This a story of the ever funny Calvin Coolidge the 30th President of the USA
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I hope the following link opens up a whole new world for some of you, it's one of my favourites...

Darwin Awards

Cheers, Troy.
 
The bricklayer's story is also a song by Ray Stevens.


Here it is
 
A long-time friend of my parents was babysitting her grandson one day.  As with many grandmothers, age has added a few extra pounds and given her a rather ample...err...busom.  This particular day when she was babysitting, she was wearing a dress with a scooped neckline which revealed a line of cleavage.  She was holding her grandson and he looked down at her cleavage...studied it in a thoughtful way for a minute...then looked at her quite seriously and said..."I have one of those...but... [pointing to his rear end]... mine's back here."   lol!  
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Ain't kids grand?  They have such refreshing, innocent views on life.  
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When I was going to school for electricity, My instructor came in one morning and told us that a garbage truck ran into his house. He told us that it ran right into his living room. His granddaughter was in the room when it happened. I think he said she was about 3 yrs old. He said that he had a pool table in there she was under it. As the truck came in it stopped when it hit the pool table. She appeared to be ok. When the firemen got there they asked her if she hurt anywhere. She said yes her stomach was hurting. So they called the paramedics. They rushed in and started examining her. They asked where she hurt and she said her stomach. They asked if she was hit in the stomach when the truck crashed in. She said no it hurt because she ate too much.
 
I worked once at the County Mental Health Facility here in a janitorial position. We were a crew of 4, with one Supervisor. One day we found the Supervisor out on the loading dock, looking up into the empty air going "whoooo whoooo whooo". Since this was not his normal character, we all stood there in wonder. We figured the inevitable had happened at last, and Sully was pretty much over the edge. He explained that he was "calling the owls" (it was midafternoon). He said there were owls, and he heard them. Uh huh. Well, the postscript is right at quitting time I left by the door where the loading dock was. There sitting on the dumpster were the 2 largest (and only) snow owls I ever saw! (you know, the ones that smoke those cigars).....Since then, I became more forgiving regarding issues of potential insanity in my bosses. You just never know.
 
  • #10
Here's a funny story.

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  • #11
Both the lawnchair man and the brick stories were discussed on "Myth Busters" on the Discovery Channel. I don't remember what the verdict of the flying lawnchair was, but they decided that the brick chain reaction was very improbable, although possible with a very weakened barrel.
 
  • #12
Spoilsport.
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I like the lawnchair story.

Great stories so far!
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  • #13
I thought I read somewhere he was flying to visit his girlfriend.
 
  • #14
Hmmm.... funny stories... MY funny stories? Gosh I can't think of any! Umm... well, I'm not bold enough to go do stuff that would result in 'funny stories'...
 
  • #15
I have done a couple of dumb things in the past not as funny as the balloon thing (thank God)
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When I first got outta prison I knew absolutely nothing about computers. I moved into my brothers house and he set me up with a computer so I could play games then eventually set it up so I could get on the internet. Well the first time I got the message... Oh I cant remember it word for word but Im sure you all have seen the Illegal Action notice that supposedly being reported to where ever. Well I freaked, Said something like "Oh crap" quickly shut off the computer and practically ran away from it swearin they would never catch me! they cant prove a thing! Finally when my bro came home he explained it oh man he had a very good laugh at that!

Another time I didnt open an email from my dad until really late at night I figured it was too late to reply and went to bed. A couple of nights later I was at his house and thanked him for his email and told him I would have replied but it was too late and I didnt wanna bother him that late at night and wake him up
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Yeah Ok Im a ditz
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but thats ok at least Im entertaining and have no problem laughing at myself
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  • #16
LOL! Well that's newfangled!
 
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